Down the Rabbit hole...

forever dead... and lovely now...

2010-04-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

how can a song move you in just a certain way? how can those certain lyrics describe everything you feel and more?

whats more romantic than dying in the moonlight?

Now they're all watching the sea
What's lost can never be broken
Her roots were sweet
But they were so shallow

And now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now

And now she's dead
Forever dead
And she's so dead and lovely now...

so beautiful.

still im having trouble with this concept...

2010-01-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

i still cant get over how suicide is a selfish act. please if someone can explain it to me i may change this thinking. but i dont seem to understand. my life is my life. it does not belong to you. if i were to take something of mine that belongs to me is that selfish? of course not. its silly that anyone thinks that. it belongs to me. if i have a book or a game and it belongs to me and i destroy it... well thats my perogative. no one can say anything. its mine. no one will give it a second thought. now if i take something of yours... and destroy it... thats different. its not mine to begin with. correct? if i take your life... im being selfish. im taking something all to myself. you are not mine. i have no right to take you. now with that said... if i take my life... how is that selfish of me? i do not belong to you. therefor you have no say whatsoever of what i do to my life.

when was the last time you heard of someone killing themselves purely because they hated something they did to themself. just them. i know i havent.

people i know who are suicidal or have these tendencies... are because of child abuse (something they have not done to themselves) bullying ( again they did not bully themselves) verbal abuse, depression caused by such things or even rape.
please tell me when the last time you heard of someone raping themself. please. i would love to know.

because i know lots of people who were raped who feel like its their fault of course it is not. had these things not happened by other people... then said "suicidal" person would not be feeling these things.

see? my point is suicide is not a selfish thing. its when we have tried everything we possibly can and feel there is no other option. we try therapy or writing in journals talking to people nothing seems to help. and the last possible thing to do is end it all. if the people around you truely cared about you at all then they would not say things like how selfish of her to do that? why would he do such a thing? they would know the pain they have gone through and let them go.

sometimes thats all these others need to do. is let them go.
let us go.

you yourself stop being selfish...

and let me go.

wrecked my car.

2009-11-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

not gonna lie. im super upset. i mean really i most likley totalled my car... and really all i walk away with is a few bruises? are you kidding? everyone says youre so lucky... caars can be replaced. i always say i love that car more than life itself... now my car is dead... so what does that say about my life? im so very sad.

..

2009-11-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

slowly slipping into insanity... thought id let no one know.

.

2009-11-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

come on. jump into the void...

who says you cant make a pumpkin pie from real pumpkins?

2009-09-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

alright kids here goes...

this is my PUMPKIN!!!

youre going to DIE pumpkin!!!

but dont be sad... im sure you will be delicious pumpkin...

this is before i had to mash the pumpkin...

and here is the finished product... isnt it amazing?

brick wall...

2009-07-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

oh dear brick wall, you look so sad. please be my friend.

alas you will?

hmmm i think we can make this better...

much better. so brick wall what to do today?
whats that? oh, you cant move... right...

hey look wall! flowers for you! these are for you arent they pretty? these are my favorite... so whats yours? oh you dont want to tell me? oh... ok then...

so what do you want to do today? really its all about you today wall. please tell me what it is you want to do?

see the sun? ive brought the sun for you!

its just for you on this rainy day. oh whats that? you dont like my sun?

tell me brick wall what do you like? tell me i want to know!

is it colors? is it ivy growing on you? is it rain falling? or passersby?

tell me wall what is it?!?!?! what do you love? im here for you! I love you wall! please!!!

please...

love me back?

dear wall... i see now. you love me not. but its ok wall... its ok.

see ill be ok wall...

ill be ok...

precious dear wall and all like you just know this...
people like me want to be here for you and truely how selfish of me to ask it in return. how truely rude of me to ask that you be here when i need you. and how absolutly absurd of me to ask for your friendship... this is a one way road is it not? im sorry i guess i didnt read in between the fine lines... for i thought a friendship was a two way road. that it exsisted in between two people or more and that they were there and they cared for each other. let me tell you this brick wall if it came to it no matter what i would die for you cause that is what we do... we stick it out for each other we care and cry with each other... but it seems i am not allowed to do this... so many times at this currant time even, brick wall, do i attempt to share to care to worry and cry with others and it never seems to work. and thus brick wall i share with you... for i know brick wall that i can never expect anything from you... and therefor you can never dissapoint me... ever.

but i ask you brick wall... if i would die for you, even though you do not care for me as much as i may care for you... would you die for me? would you give your own life to save mine. cause im dying wall. im dying on the inside slowly my insides are decaying, and i am lifeless. would you die for me? would you save me?

would you?

i didnt think so.

nothing.

2009-06-29T19:25:00.001-07:00

if you cut something open and nothing is inside what makes the outside?

there is no title to this.

2009-06-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

im so tired of this. no really i am. im so sick of it all. but its so annoying. and im sure what im about to vent wont make any sense at all...

ok so im sick and when i told someone it became all about them. oh my back hurts. oh ive been sick too... blah blah blah. not oh sam are you ok?

ok so ive been kind of depressed lately and i tried to tell someone and it became all about them. wow man i want to kill myself. please help me.

ok so ive been having nightmares lately i went to tell someone about it and it became all about them. wow yeah i havent been sleeping well. man i wish i could sleep better. i just stay up and watch tv. instead of sleep.

so what do i do? i comfort them. ask if i can get them anything to make them feel better.

i stay up till three in the morning even though i have to be up really early the next day for work and convince them that life is worth it... when i doubt that myself... and i cant convince myself not to die im here convincing another death is not the answer.

i tell them some "fail proof" methods for sleeping when they never work and i still have nightmares. horrible horrible nightmares i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
(darn you mother... and your genetics for nightmares!)

someone this week told me i was self centered. OH how i wish it were true.

someone else this week told me how much happier i would be if i WERE self centered. meaning i am not.

how i wish for once. when i do that good old cry for help. people realize it as one last attempt for saving me. and not an example of the others i must save.

why must i be everyones savior? im not. im not anyones savior. i have done nothing to deserve this honor. yet i need one. who will be my savior? i need someone to step in and save me. im so tired of all these pathetic attempts at a cry for help.

im done crying for help. im done with everything...

the right thing...

2009-05-28T16:04:00.001-07:00

why is it so incredibly hard to do the right thing? and from there. if im doing the right thing... why am i the one getting in trouble? why are they retaliating against me? why do i have to do the right thing? why cant i just look away like everyone else does? and on top of it all why cant people care? i mean what do you people want a cry for help? well help!!! gosh.

APPLE PIE!!!

2009-05-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

I MADE AN APPLE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

missing link?

2009-05-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

tell me how you kids feel...

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-16T20:33:00.001-07:00

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

etcetera etcetera etcetera...

2009-04-17T20:06:00.002-07:00

sorry about that last post... so funny story...

i got a kitten...

Her name oh you guessed it.

is etcetera...

she loqve5rrrrrrrr

love my computer. alot.

pppppp nnnnnnnnnnfblog posted. she posted it. well i was trying to write and she hit enter and posted it herself. she loves to play on the keyboard of my computer. i think she sees me typeing and wants to try it herself. she is the most beautiful cat ever... ( q and d say she has to stay outside... sigh...)

anyway i gtg. because she keeps try8ing to type. lol

but right now she is purrin and trying to hide behind my hair on my shoulders...

she keeps smelling me too. i think she thinks she is a dog... silly kitty...

etceteRA

2009-04-17T20:06:00.001-07:00

so you know that whole relay thing i was doing?

2009-04-05T22:55:00.001-07:00

so you know that whole relay for life thing ive been doing?

well last months meeting shelby county reporter took a few pics for the paper. and i guess mine was chosen to apear in the paper. this is me kids!!!

again if you are interested in saving lives let me know... this is my website if you would like to donate!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team

random theological quesition...

2009-04-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

so at what point do you decide between...
God will provide for me i need not worry.

and

wow im poor and need a job.

at what point do we choose? do we say. i dont need to worry about finances because God will provide.

And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others

2 corinthians 9:8

but it also says that we need to work to eat...

For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.

2 thessalonians 3:10

its just a thought i was wondering if there are sides or if there is a median.

wow what a random day...

2009-04-02T20:39:00.001-07:00

ok so let me tell you kids about one random event that happend yesterday then about two that happened today...

id never seen a beaver before...

ok so theres been this poor poor animal on the side of the road for a few days now. ( im sorry why i notice these things i will never know...) anyway so ive been looking at it going what is that? its so oddly shaped and i dont think that its a dog... but its to big to be a possum or something like that... whatever... i let it go every day trying to study it as i drove by...

so yesterday i was driving home from church after making some really gross milkshakes for youth group ( some of which including.... pepermint, smarties, caramel, vanilla, sigh... "chocolate" worshester sauce "mint" turnip greens... "strawberry" hot sauce with hot tamales... )
im a wonderful youth pastor arent i? lol

so driving home and i see it... i finally realize what it is...

its a cat...

HAHAHAHAHA im kidding... OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS A BEAVER!!!!!!!!!! A BEAVER!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!

needless to say it was a very exciting moment for me...

end.

today...

as im in starbucks working these two guys come in... there was a debate on whether they were on acid or smoking pot... no lie. so being that they are not capable of driving we decide to call the cops and get their plate number and let the cops deal with them...

so we were starting to panick thinking OH NO!!! they are leaving!!!! how will we get the plate number???

how did we get it you ask?

oh gee well they were driving about...oh... three miles an hour... no lie. took them ten min to get out of our parking lot... once they left the cops pulled in. i assume they found them.
it wasnt hard to find... big red truck going at three miles an hour... yeah

later that day another car pulls in what looks like a cop car turns out to be a park ranger... they park in the final parking space in our parking lot.
pop the trunk. all the while staring at me in the drive through window...

i look away for a moment...

look back and see another man. i ponder a moment and think how funny if that man was sitting in the trunk.

a few min go by... two maybe three tops and i look back.

the park rangers are leaving.
and have left this man... with a sleeping bag blanket and suitcase alone. sitting in the grass in our parking lot.

nice right? oh it gets better.

after a few min he decides to leave. but he takes about ohhh... five steps... and starts dancing. yes you heard that right. he is now dancing in my drive through. awesome.

he crosses the street. smokes a cigerette. and walks into the parking lot of the resturant next to us.
walks up to the poor fed ex man...( i dont know if you have seen a fed ex truck but there are no doors...)

and he starts dancing to the fed ex man. so we send someone out to talk to him bring him food.
( meanwhile a bet was placed. five dollars if the man is homeless or not...)

yup he was homeless came from new york how he got to alabama. i will never know. but here he is. dancing in our parking lot.
he talks a while to the man we sent out and then follows him back to starbucks where he asks for change for a 20.00

where he got this 20... well think of something creative. but the change he asks for goes something like this...
he needed 19 ones... three quarters... and five nickles. i dont know why again... think of something creative.

he stayed at starbucks for a few hours. i dont know where he ended up going. its raining here and i feel bad knowing he has nowhere to stay in the rain.

anyway... so

then my friend and i go to the movies...

oh you thought it was over???

when we leave some random guy is walking around with a spear. KIDS!!! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!!

a spear...

he sees us staring at it... and says simply...

hey...

wanna touch my spear?

( im so not kidding i cant make this stuff up...)

look it hasnt killed anyone yet. lol

so we talk to this random stranger in the movie theatre parking lot for oh twenty min or so talking from age to jobs to family history... he was born in california to schitzophrenic alcoholic parents and when he was born was immediatly taken into custody of the state now he lives here with his adoptive parents who are missionaries in africa where he got the spear.

yeah.

we also talked about some good movies in theatres about how someone asked if he was a serial killer. a pastor... a serial killing pastor... sigh... this is all true...

he talked about how he worked at wal mart how you shouldnt drop out of school he was homeschooled has or is in the process of getting a college degree online ( im sorry i cant remember which)

how he was going to invite my friend to church for easter but i beat him to it... lol

wow.

my day was.... insane...

so tell me about yours....

random not writing...

2009-03-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

as if pouring out my soul on paper gets me anywhere...

when ink is flowing like my blood
the thoughts so overwhelming
creation pouring like a flood
into this soul im delving

somehow i need to write it all
about this complex world
about our strengths and when we fall
and mysteries unfurled

but what to write when you cant think
of what to write at all
you know your mind is on the brink
but still your fingers stall

they fumble here and ponder there
brisky gently every key
a dance that simply cant compare
with creativity

and every stroke of every pen
will tell another tale
stories to read once and again
reality covered in a veil

alas i fear that i must leave you now
for i have nothing to write about
at least that this time will allow
untill later kids im out...

stories from a bedroom...

2009-03-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

if i were a room my wall paper would be peeling at the corners
if i were a book my pages would be water marked and torn
if i were a bed i would uncomfortable and awkward.
if i were a door i would creak and moan from to many pushed years

if feel as if im stuck in a room with wall paper peeling away at the corners. slowly flaking away. slowly falling apart. as if my story is stained and hollow. i feel so hollow. and true how does one feel hollow? once i find the words ill explain it to you. but alas these words are all i have and they too are hollow. fine black ink upon water marked, tear stained pages of my life. the smell of cheap paper and pungent utterly hopless scent of ink. ink that could be blood. dripping away upon the paper of my life. and how i always feel ever so uncomfortable. ive made the bed i must lie in. and how this bed is? to many years of use. now abandoned and useless. torn and broken sharp springs jolting you at every turn. how you long for a night sleep yet know its not possible. but if i were a door. alas if mine eyes were a door to my soul... this tortured broken door creaking at every slight breathe. a whisp of wind a slight movement and the creaking moaning tortured door, pushed far beyond the years creaks ever so much more. this poor broken door longing to be fixed to be mended. alas no one is here to fix this door.
and alas these poor poor eyes. in which have seen so much and not enough. will they never be wanted? will no one look into these eyes and see the pain hiding behind them? will no one see the rented smile upon my face? i borrow smiles from you so you believe that im am happy. i smile only so you smile. i laugh so you can laugh. for its never about these broken souls. these broken doors, opening the passage to another more simple life. its always about others.

but in being about others will it in turn be about me? ive decided no. it cant be about me. someone must be stupid for others to be smart. someone must be lazy for others to work. someone must be sad for others to be happy. someone must die for others to live. ive come to accept that its not about i. nor about so many others in which we too will learn to live these lives. as those who watch what goes on around us. we try to fix things and yet always fail. i am but four walls. i hold up what i can but in the end i too will perish. i too, will be destroyed by weather. or people. the more needy. and as a bedroom i will protect you from these but in the end. when i am worn
when my wall paper is peeling or pages are tearing or bed is poking or doors are moaning. someone somewhere will find a better use to destroy me. to build a better room. a better person who will be stronger. more sufficent.
as if one were suffocating yet still breathing. as if one were drowning yet dry.
as if one were dying. yet...
still wakes up everyday longing for a little more.
not given this privlidge.
yearning for something.
yet how do you yearn or want something when you yourself dont know what it is?

i asked someone today why do people feel the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone or something to make them feel complete?

they replied. people are just like that. it is normal to feel you need something to complete you.

i asked someone today what if you dont want to have someone or something to complete you?

they replied. i would call that wise.

i sure dont feel wise.
and yet i dont feel complete.

somehow... i feel nothing.

but alas if i were to compare what i feel to something.

it would resemble,
wall paper peeling off a wall.

negative... :)

2009-03-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

whos to says its what i wanted anyway?

update...

2009-03-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

so lots of stuff going on. everyone in the house has gotten sick i was hopeing to avoid it... well so much for that plan. its frustrating when you do so much for other people and get nothing back in return. i mean. im not like oh hey i covered a shift for you now you HAVE to pay it back. but if im sick which i dont usually get. and if i do i dont call off work... and i cant go to work? it must mean its pretty bad. and no one would cover for me. but oh well.

ive been in this bad depression lately and i think its over. but it sucked while it lasted. i just have to keep my mind on other things. and as much as people keep asking me i am doing fine with all the things i am doing. with kids church and youth and work. they dont understand that i need to be doing all this. if not i get more stressed and depressed. if i am busy i forget about the depression.

anyway. things are well... going... with relay.

so far it is just me on the team. the family is going to join which is good. but again its frustrating because so many people said that they would join and now are all backing out. but the thing is i have set a goal for $1,000 and im pretty much set on making that goal. if that means i have to raise it all on my own so be it. i can and i will. yes it may be hard but i think its possible. i was just informed i can sell hot dogs onsite as well as i am going to be selling coffee that starbucks will be donating.

anyway im going back to watching movies and relaxing, before i start working more on relay for life stuff.

again if anyone reads this and would like to donate here is the site...

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team

thanks and God bless

disregard...

2009-02-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

ugh people drive me crazy. why is it that everyone is the same?!?!?!?!?! GOSH seriously sometimes i wonder about the creativity of people. or at least the brilliance or shall i say lack there of... maybe the ignorance? can we blame it on that? is everyone ignorant? or are they just stupid. ugh. whatever. at least i got something cool today.

journals make everything better...

saving lives...

2009-02-17T20:39:00.001-08:00

ok kids i just got a donation im now at 120.00!!! 880.00 to go!

Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!

saving lives...

2009-02-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

hey kids...

alright raise your hand if you like to save lives?

ok raise your hand if you have heard of relay for life?

ok if you hand wasnt raised for that second question but was up for the first. let me explain...

relay for life was started in 1985 by a dr. he ran on a track for 24 hours and people payed 50.00 to run or walk with him for thirty min.

the point?

to raise money for cancer research and awarness.

OK so what does this mean now?

this means that now. we have this nifty fundraiser called relay for life. we walk for 12 hours. from six pm to six am. and we try to raise money for cancer research.

this is such an amazing cause. and its totally worth every cent.

MY TEAM

so im saying this because i have started a team. my goal is 1,000.

so far i have raised $85.00 and am still going.

my theory is this...

i understand that the economy is bad. that we may not have alot of extra cash lying around. but think of those who have to go through chemotherapy. those who ontop of normal bills wont have the money to pay for drs. appointments.

so next time you want to go out to mcdonalds or even starbucks. ( yes i went there)
mcdonalds isnt going out of buissiness. they can handle you not getting a double cheeseburget to save someones life.

and you have my permission NOT to tip me if you spend that extra dollar on relay or another worthy cause where we can save lives.

i will be updating how my team is doing. here on the blog.

OH and by the way. the team name. is March Hares. ( cause were marching... and i love alice in wonderland..._

CAUSE CANCER IS NONSENCE!!!!!!!!!!

if youre interested in donating to relay for life this is my team website...

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team

thanks so much and God bless!!!

who needs sleep when you have blogs?

2009-01-30T22:48:00.000-08:00

sigh... its late. i got to work at 12 to pick up my check. it wasnt there. fed ex dropped off papers and forgot to drop off our checks. so i couldnt cash it. i was going to cash it then buy lunch. its usually what i do on paydays. so being i didnt have it i was like oh its ok i have some money left from tips. i looked in my hiding place for money in my car... oh yeah... i left my money at home. sooo... i wasnt going to sit at work for two hours waiting for my paycheck. i still havent had anything to eat yet. so i drove all they way back home. got money went ate lunch. drove back to work and clocked in. curley fries didnt feel good and wanted to go home early. i told my shift that there was ABSOLUTLY no way i was going home early. i have bills i have to pay... sorry. so curley went home early and i worked his shift... oh yeah that means working from 2 till 11 45. its about nine hours. i mean its not so bad... but all day people are like judging me for different things. like this guy i work with is mad that i wont watch movies he wants to watch but ill watch movies his brother wants me to watch. its because his brother knows my standards. he knows what ill watch and what i wont. and im a horrible person because i wont watch movies about pedophiles...right? whatever. so im like hey... im sorry if my priorities are bigger than yours. that i care more about what goes in than you. whatever. and then i get home and i have an email about the same thing. like why? whats wrong with you that you dont watch rated R movies? can you not watch it for its artistic elements? i can. believe me i can. but i choose not to. i choose to be a better role model for these kids. is no one proud of me? can no one say look. i dont agree with what you are doing because GOD IS NOT A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE. but i am proud you are standing up for what you believe? Look i never said this was going to be easy and iknow God wont give us more than we can handle. but seriously. you think some people would just chill out and shut up?
UGH! and on top of this... its now one am. im still awake. dreading sleep...AGAIN.
stupid nightmares. i get stressed when im awake and now my nightmares are back. hey at least i didnt die in this on right? i mean totally being abandoned and almost killed isnt that bad right? whatever... ill get over it...

im attempting sleep now...

just some ranting ignore this blog...

2009-01-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

ok so... im just ranting and raving. so ignore this ok? ok...
i work. i work at starbucks supposedly full time. however we are over in labor meaning over in workers. so people are getting sent home. i preclose. so i came in earlier than the others so i get to go home first. i get to go home early. and i mean really early. i was supposed to get off at 10 and left at 6 30. hey i get off early right? why am i complaining. ok here we go.
so i was talking to two people at work one said they only work to pay off their car. thats it. other than that they wouldnt work. they dont pay rent or whatever. the other one says their parents wont let them leave home untill they can show they can support themself. wow right? oh yeah the first is 21 the second 23. 23!!! my gosh! i was paying rent at 15. i was paying to sleep on a couch that the dog drooled slept and peed on! and they arent allowed to leave home? so me getting sent home early... i have bills i have to pay. my own car my car insurance my rent. i buy most of my own food. Dont get me wrong i love living here. i am 20 and i guess you can say im living at home. but mine are slightly different circumstances. my mother stole from me, not to mention the three hundred i gave her every paycheck. i mean i have no money. and by now im scraping by and still losing hours at work! its just frustrating. i see all these people getting everything they want. like they dont have anything hard in their life. why do bad things happen to good people? i dont know. i mean im not worried God will provide. He will make things work. its just hard when I myself dont know whats going on. or whats going to happen. it will all work out its just a little stressful. but ill be ok. ill make it through. im not asking for it to be easy... ok well maybe a little easier. i know God has plans for me. and i know they are big and i know that i have to go through the fire to be well done. but sometimes i wish the heat was turned down just a little...
thats all. just ranting...

a challenge for you...

2009-01-27T21:12:00.001-08:00

ok so i did it. and i challenge you to do it too.

ive just started as Youth pastor and childrens pastor at Shelby Christian Fellowship in Alabama.

i decided that what i do the kids will want to push further.

and i need to watch what i say and do for our youths sake.

so all my movies rated R and PG 13
everything with profanity i got rid of. all of it.

it sucks a little.
because they are just movies right?
i mean just cause its in there i wont do it right?

WRONG.

what we put in our bodies comes out.

if we listen to movies or music with profanity we become more acustomed to saying it.

so yes. i got rid of it all. and if you know me you know that silence of the lambs is the ultimate favorite of all my movies.

its gone.

part of me misses it and part is glad that i am cleaning my spirit to be more open to what God wants from me.

so my challenge to you is this.

if you have movies or music or anything you know is preventing your intimate relationship with God i challenge you to get rid of it.

see the difference in your life when its gone.

and if you cant if you still have those movies or music

well it shows where your priorities lie...

let me know how it goes.

late night poetry...

2009-01-23T21:46:00.000-08:00

late night poetry

Dear God,
i know you want to hold me.
i know you want to be there
yet i cant help fight these hands holding on
yet you still seem to care.
and though i try and turn from you
you hold on tighter now
i try to run away from it all
still you press on but how?
im so afraid of whats to come
of my future and my past
you are so strong still holding me
yet i feel i still wont last
still i yearn to break away
from all i know is right
im so lost alone out here
the world cold as black twilight
so cruel they all are to me
does no one understand
i break away from it all
and still i feel your hand
how worthless do i feel my God
yet you are always here
you still hold onto me dearly
and wipe away my tear.
i feel i am not worthy
of the love you offer me
and still your mighty hands
are holding onto me...

worship questions...

2009-01-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

alright kids. you people who read this. i need your help.
i need you to tell me different ways you worship our Rockin' God.
anything you do.
there are no wrong answers
im just writing an sermon on worship and i would like to know what you all do.
thanks a latte.

God bless...

sam

friends...

2009-01-19T18:24:00.000-08:00

so im trying to figure things out.
ive been getting hints from God these past few weeks about friends. i just dont know what the hints are leading to. i dont know if its about trust because i dont trust many in the first place. i dont know if its about love because i dont know how to expirience for i feel as if ive never been shown love. i fear that i pick people as friends because i know at some point i will or they will abandon me. and because i am so acustomed to this i continue to follow this path. my best friend was supposed to visit me and is not able to. and i fear that he never will visit me. i am just not a big enough priority in his life. so then i think about priority. which i will get to later. but that being said. this is supposed to be my best friend and i fear that we are drifting further and further apart. who am i to talk to? and on top of that there is this long story about something that happend with an employee at work and my other friend at work i feel is avoiding me. i feel so alone in this world at times. and its frustrating because i know God is trying to tell me something but i cant seem to figure it out. leading to the next topic. priorities. in our lives we put so many things in front of God. work... play... friends... family... everything.
when the one thing we need more than life is God. and how are we to stay devoted to him with other things as our priority? i do miss my friend dearly. and i say i feel we are drawing apart because i am getting closer to God and he is not. im not saying that i am going to totally abandon him. i feel that if anyone will get him one small step closer to God it will be me. but he has been so hurt i dont know if it will happen. God is not a priority in his life. and that makes it harder on me.
we tend to go to others for our problems our friends our family stranger... alcohol drugs anything or anyone who will listen and we tend to forget that God was there the entire time with us when we were heading up to our problems. he was there in our pain he knows whats best for us. we just need to lisen...

just a thought...

i need sleep but not that bad...

2008-12-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

so its one thirty in the morning and i have to be up early for church tomorrow but well... i just cant sleep so what do i do? blog...
sometimes i fear these feelings will never go away. that this lingering depression will haunt me in the back of my mind forever. some days are good. some not so much. but this depression is always there. and not even depression. all sorts of feelings that i know i shouldnt be feeling. and i cant help but feel them. i mean i cant stop my brain from feeling this. or thinking these thoughts. the only thing i can do is try to get distracted by something else. push these thoughts away. but though i push them away for the time being they still arise. if not stronger. and they do it ive come to realize when i cant defend my mind from myself. in my sleep. its been good for a week. no nightmares. but when i close my eyes the images are still there. these demons. trying to get me. why are so many trying to get me? these dreams of death. and murder. even my happy dreams have a mention of death somewhere lingering like the bad taste of cotton in your mouth. always there. no matter how you quench your thirst it lingers. no matter how much i try to think happy thoughts or pray. ( not in that order...) it seems as if it gets worse. i had another nightmare the other night ( oh ok... i take it back i have had a nightmare this week) but i was so thankful for this nightmare. ( how odd does that sound?) side note... i am horribley ridiculously absoulutly TERRIFIED PETRIFIED MORTIFED scared of caterpillars. im not kidding... dont laugh at me... i dreamt that i was covered in caterpillars cockroaches and other bugs. crawling all over me. ( i also have this bad thing with having the feeling of insects crawling on my its a long story summed up it makes me feel crazy... whatever.) so number one there are caterpillars and number two i am having these bugs crawl on me. so naturally im freaking out. i woke up shaking couldnt breathe. smacking myself all over ( trying to get imaginary insects off of me) and realized how happy i was that i didnt die. one of the first dreams in a very long time with no death. ( just forget about how i couldnt breathe when i woke up lol not that important...) but still... its horrible. and again im at a lose for words at what to do in this dilema...
anyone? help?

alice in wonderland...

2008-12-09T19:17:00.001-08:00

how can i make this work? ok here goes... i feel like being creative...
( By the way... im not entirely sure where this one is going so be patient you may learn something...)

so i love alice in wonderland. there are so many things that you can use to make it true to you. its not just a story. its your life...its mine.

poor sweet alice falls down the rabbit hole of life to which she ponders about her new found rabbit hole. we are born and thrown into this most curious hole of life.
we meet strange new charecters and discover strange new things and what is the point?
absoulutly nothing...

oh yes my dear friends that is right. NOTHING.
no point. this is all nonsence.
all life is... is nonsence.
queen red ( our reddish friend as we all percieve) as satan only wanting us dead. physically, spiritually? both? ( ive been having these horrible nightmares and it seems like satan is really trying to kill me)
tweedle dee and dumb. are those oh so frustrating ones we try to speak to and they just dont understand... But why dont they understand? because.
because we are to busy dealing with our own distractions with our cheshire cats. dealing with our own selves that these people are still babies. still unaware of the world around them.
lost in there own rabbit hole trying to find their way out.
we need to help them. and in helpind dee and dumb. we help ourselves.
our pool of tears. is just that. a pool of our own saddness.
life is overwhelming. its scary and hard. you will cry... im sorry did you not see that?

YOU WILL CRY!

its supposed to happen. use your pain to help you. again. helping others helps yourself. you had something bad happen. tell someone, you may be able to save yourself by saving them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

read that again...
you may save someone by saving you...

our rabbit holes are just what we percieve them to be. what we imagine them to be. what we want them to be.
leave one rabbit hole to go to another.

try not to make sence of life. theres to much saddness in the world. to much seriousness.
go tickle someone... right now...

stop whatever youre doint and tickle someone. if they ask why... just say because there is always time for nonsence. ( ha just dont tickle me...lol)
anyway.
so on a personal note...
im having a hard time dealing with one of my rabbit holes. as you read earlier...
im having very bad nightmares. i wake up constantly. always death and dying. even in what starts to be a good dream ends up in some way or form death. it seems sometimes everything i do revolves around the pure destruction of my demise.
be it suicide or murder. wherever i go its there haunting me. as some may know i suffer from depression. so the option of death on my part isnt so far off. as hard as i am trying im still here. its a tough battle. a battle fought soley in my mind. i go to work i think about death. i come home i think about death i drive i think about death. its inevitable. i try to think of different things to get my mind off of it. sometimes its just having to distract myself long enough not to do it. i also cut... though not in a while the feeling is still there. and though some days its just...ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in fiv min... and just pushing it off till i dont want to anymore. but it doesnt always help... and i feel so lost. im so lost in this rabbit hole. no one is here to save me. ((( and d i know youll read this im sure...))) i have moved to the most amazing place with the most amazing people. i have been here five months and five days. and still i feel as if im not worthy to be in such a wonderful place. like i should suffer so someone else can be happy. that i am not allowed to be happy. and though i try i find it difficult to be genuilly happy.
and as christmas is nearing i feel even more hopeless. even more depressed. i hate the fake cheer. how people pretend they care for you now just to get prepackaged gifts but when you need them... when you call them at three in the morning with a knife in your hand they are to busy dreaming about sunshine and cupcakes.

my friends. my fellow wanderers of internet who have happend to fall upon this blog for the sake of it being down a rabbit hole. i dont know you. im not sure if i can help you but call me. call me if you have a knife at three in the morning. i assure you i dream not of sunshine and cupcakes. i dream of death as you do. i dream of dying as you. i to know what its like to feel the dreams in which you are dying are the best you and i have ever had. i am there. i know what its like to be sad. to be lost in that deep dark rabbit hole as you...

i guess the moral of this blog would be...

does anyone need to help themselves?
anyone up for helping me???

sincerely yours...

another down a rabbit hole...

p.s. i do realize this blog is pretty much pointless i thank you anyway...

raindrops falling on a tin roof...

2008-11-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

i love the song come away with me.
there is a line. it says i want to wake up to the rain falling on a tin roof.
i have always loved that line for some strange reason.
i dont get used to things easy. it takes me a long time to ajust to new surroundings. i was just getting used the the old house when i moved into the one im in now. and its an amazing house. however being its so new to me. its hard to get used to it. therefor i have a very hard time sleeping. ontop of the normal insomnia that i suffer from. that being said one of the only things that helps me sleep is the rain.
i posted a blog the other day about a book i love. the line in the book was Only good times now. sometimes its very hard for me to believe.
however, when i got to work my manager said that soon i will start my training to be a shift supervisor. you people dont understand. i LOVE working at starbucks. my dream from day one was to be a shift. ( so i can get experience and soon own my own coffee shop if not a starbucks.)
i was so excited i almost cried. anyway. then i got out of work a little eary due to the fact of almost going into overtime so sweet right?
then i was like man i wish i didnt have to go home. it means ill have to go to bed and i sometimes dread sleeping cause i know how hard it is for me to sleep ( lol hence me being so angry when i wake up...lol) anyway. i walk in my room turn on my computer and sit and hear...

raindrops falling on my tin roof.........

God cares about the small things...

as i lay on my floor...

2008-11-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

as i lay on my floor and my depression is hitting me big time im just wondering how im going to make it through this one...
day by day is all i can do
but what do you do when you just cant get up in the morning...

only good times now...

2008-11-04T18:50:00.000-08:00

so my favorite book in the whole wide world has this sentence...
Only good times now...

and i love this book so much because i seem to relate to alot of things the girl goes through... well more or less...

she goes through a series of foster homes and in the one she ends in last she ends up getting pearls, the couple tell her... only good times now...

though she does not end up staying with them... though things dont work out for her at the time ( and well through the entire book)
she ends up making it through ok...

and it makes me think... only good times now...
im so used to things going horribly wrong. especially if things seem to be going well for a time...
ive just moved into the most amazing house with the most amazing people in the world and though i know they will never do anything that little girl in me... the one so used to pain is telling me to get out... she is telling me to get away not to depend on this... that things will get worse... and i fear that this hard outer shell that i have calloused over me will fall off and when it does ill be back at square one.

again... ive only had good times with these most amazing people.
and yet...

yet im still on edge.

still fearing that ill turn the corner and my mother will be there. ( i know she will never read this) but i still think she is going to just walk into my work one day... and what will i be able to do?
still think that she is going to show up at my house and tell me i have to come back with her... though i know she doesnt want me... its not the point to her... the point is ... im happy here... for the most part at least. and she hates that.

i have this bet with my best friend in the world to grow our hair. i keep thinking my mother is going to just pop up and pull it... or ill wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over my bed with scissors... i know this sounds ridiculous but these are my everyday thoughts...

nothing seems to work out in my life... ( sorry im not really trying to go for the emo thing...) but i get so scared when things are going well because i think something far worse is going to happen... and now that im shedding this barrier i have done so well to create i believe i will fall harder than i have ever fallen...

and on top of all the normal problems i have... there is something deeper that haunts me. and i hate it. i fear that ill never get over that either. and so badly i want to forget it. just pretend it never happend cant it go away? all these horrible feelings cant they leave? i mean at least for a time? must i always feel this way? everywhere i go... i cant escape it... somedays i know im going to hear about it... i can just feel it. and somenights the nightmares are so bad that i feel i cant escape it no matter what i do... i live it everyday and in sleep too. cant i just crawl into bed and stay here. not to deal with the world? it expects so much of me. and sometimes i dont know if i can continue on or not.

you know whats worse?

i know im going to make it through. its so hard but im going to. because i have to be here for so many others... so they can make it through. but how can i tell them how to do it how can i say it will be ok someday youll get through if im having such a hard time doing it?

i really wish i could talk to someone about it... but i cant...
i wish i didnt hate myself so much too...

safe and sound...

2008-10-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

theres beauty in release...
so just let go and breathe
of all that will ever be

Maybe this is forever
Forever fades away
Like a rocket ascending into space
Could you not be sad
Could you not break down
After all I won't let go o

[CHORUS:]
Until you're safe and sound
Until you're safe and sound

There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please
But you and me o I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
All our friends are waiting there

[CHORUS]

Feel like I could've held on
Feel like I could've let go
Feel like I could've helped you
Feel like I could've changed you
Feel like I could've held you
Feel like I could've hurt you
Feel like I was a stranger
Feel like I was an angel
Feel like I was a hero
Feel like I was a zero
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I could have saved you
Feel like I should've heard you
Feel like I could have moved you
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I should've told you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you.

do you ever feel
sad?
blue?
alone?
hopeless?
do you feel as if someone should
hold you
change you?
heal you?
love you?
save you?

if beauty is release...
and to release is true beauty
if you hold on
are you ugly inside?
tortured?
broken?
will you ever be saved?
ever be loved?
if you cant love yourself
how will any one else love you?
what if you dont want to love?
what if you dont want to be loved?
what if all the times you are going to be loved...
ends up in failure?
and pain...
heartache
and tragedy?
how will you ever live with yourself?
dont they know?
will they ever know?
i dont think anyone will
im not sure anymore
if anyone will want to know
want to care
to take time out
and let you be

beautiful...

Released...

from all the pain you endure...
from others...

and mostly yourself

you are your own worst enemy

and what a better enemy than the one who knows you the best...

will i ever be safe and sound?

waiting...

2008-10-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

i know its getting closer
i can feel it
war can only stay silent so long
i know its happening soon
i can sense it
peace wont last so long...
im not meant to be saved
by any mortal flesh at least
i feel as though im not meant to be happy
those feelings are deceased
i feel like anger is closing in
and pain will overwhelm me
im choking on the air i breathe
i feel just like im drowning...
waiting for someone to explode
im waiting on the edge
for someone to just push me
off my lingering ledge
my life is not a perfect one
i wont even say its good
i feel my words are futile
not like normal feelings should
sometimes i feel my only feelings
are of misery and pain
i know this isnt helpful
and nothing here i gain
my past is ever haunting me
overseeing all i do
people i meet and things i say
its sad i know but true...
so though this is still my life
i know the war will come
and when it does ill be right here
just see what ive become...

on the edge...

2008-10-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

do you ever feel like youre on the edge?
but not sure of whats the edge?
like youre falling off something
but dont know how far?
always inching closer and closer...
till you just cant take it anymore?
do you jump?
hold on for dear life?
what do you do?
the world in which you live in
seems so far away
you feel like someones pushing you...
closer to the edge...
and when you get there
you get a final push...
just to have your shirt grabed the last second...
will they save you?
or just let you go?

who knows?

2008-10-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

do you ever feel empty?
like its not really you...
do you ever feel hollow
a shell covering you?
like your life is always
an out of body event
like the body you own
isnt yours... you just rent
do you ever feel angry
just because its what you know?
do you ever feel bad
when you let your emotions show?
do you just apologize
to make them go away
you just say your sorry
and hope you obey?
do you ever feel chained
though nothings holding you back
do you truly want... the courage you lack?
are you doomed for eternity
in this hole of your own...
or just write this poetry
to hear your soul groan...

so i feel empty inside and im not sure what to do... and i feel as if there is nothing inside of me... its like im living a life thats not my own... im here to supervise and i over see the things going on... but this isnt really me. not really my body or my soul... its someone elses it has to be. i had such high hopes for myself... and this failure well its just not me... im not a failure i cant be right?
sometimes i just want to stay in bed all day... just leave me be...
im so broken... i feel broken... like im falling apart... inside and out... and i dont know if ill ever be fixed. i wish the things that are in my past would have never reminded me of the things ive never done... i wish they would stop harrassing me of the things i dont think ill ever be able to do... i wish the thoughts would go away... and just leave me be... i hate to be awake sometimes and now my slumber has gotten to this point again to which i am afraid to sleep... i dont know why i am ranting here... sorry

I love you war...

2008-10-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

ok so here is how this war gets started...
grab an adorable small child... such as... annie...
dialogue...
annie guess what...
(annie) what?
I love you...
(annie) i love you more
I love you more than that...
(annie) well i love you more than that
I love you the most
(annie) well i love you the mostest more than that
well... i love you times two
(annie) i love you times two plus seven
WELL i love you time two plus seven times 12
(annie) i love you times two plus seven times 12 time... 900
wow... thats a big number... i love you times infinity
(annie) UGH i love you times infinity and beyond
wow... i love you times infinity and beyond times two... and a half
(annie) i love you to infinity and beyond beyond beyond beyond beyond... ( after a while it takes forever and i loose count on how many beyonds she has made it to...)

anyway this goes on for about oh i dont know 45 min... in which tym and matt decide to join in...
in which we are all saying that we love each other more than the last person...
it takes a long time and i dont really know who wins each round... but in the end everyone feels very much loved and there are new numbers we have never heard of...

moral of the story

love and hate are like wildfires
which one do you want to help burn faster?

if a person is burning and you say one cruel thing to them you can loose them forever. they will go up in smoke...
if someone is burning and you say one small i love you... im here for you... i need you as much as you need me... it can be enough to save their life... enough to make them want to live another day... enough to just make them smile...

its enough to change their view on life... on living... on happiness... on God...

God loved us so much he gave his only kid so that we can live through infinity and beyond...

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16

now thats love...

Dont mess with me... I make your coffee...

2008-10-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

ok... so work is a little stressful sometimes and its partially due to some customers... but its ok... thats what im here for... to help you... in which is helping me...

For those of you who dont know i work at a place many need in order to survive...

STARBUCKS...

so... after many mishaps ive decided to post this to help you... lets begin...

PRONUNCIATIONS...

Frappuccino... frap-uh-chino
NOT frappe, fraperchiner, frozen thing, is that cold?

Latte... la-tay
NOT luh te

americano... a-mer-ih-cah-no
NOT ameriCINo

and last... MY FAVORITE

(sigh)

Macchiatto
yes i understand this may seem like a difficult word... thats fine... but really some of these are just ridiculous...

Macchiatto ... Ma-ke-ah-toe

NOT mariachhi, marachino, MACHETE OTTO ( i dont want to drink a weapon sorry) muh muh muh...

sigh... NEXT!!!

a little lesson on cappucinos
a cappucino is half foam...
NO your cup is not empty its light...and perfect... GOSH
A LATTE is heavy...
if you want that stuff at the gas station why are you wasting your time and money...
NO im not bashing gas station coffee...i like it... especially the vanilla one...
but no thats not what i serve here... i serve delectably roasted espresso with hints of carmel with lucious frothy foam... firm and perfect enough to balance a quarter on... ( and yes i can balance a quarter on my foam)
That is what i serve...

NEXT
Ways to please your barista...

Please for the love of all that is good in this world... dont say latte after mocha.. its just annoying... ( mocha latte... white mocha latte... NO)

if you order a black coffe...
dont complain later its to black... if you want cream...ill give you some thats what im here for :)

please speak up in the speaker... its very difficult to hear you especcially if there is blenders and a coffe grinder going on...

if its raining... (sigh)
if its raining PLEASE turn off your wipers... not only do i have to strain to hear you through our now soaked speaker but then while you are in the comfort of your car i am getting splashed in the face with your wiper water...

to you late comer at the end of the night please know what you want... if not... let me help you decide... i know my coffee... tell me three things hot or cold? sweet or strong? name flavors you like... here is a list...
i am good at my job... nine times out of ten i will get what you like...

to those we ask to wait in the drive through...if you do ... THANK YOU you save our lives...to those to yell out your order... sigh... you get decaf...
there probably is an irate customer in the front who hasnt gotten his caffine yet...

PLEASE GET OFF YOUR PHONE i dont want to hear about so-and-sos new bf... i just want to know how i can make your day a little more amazing by the joy of caffine...

sigh...
is anyone still reading this? ha good for you...

we are your baristas...you order a quad venti nonfat no whip no foam vanilla latte...
make us mad we give you decaf quad venti breve no whip ninja foam sugar free latte...
HA ( not me i just work here...lol but ive seen it done...)

so please...if you see us having a bad day... we are human just like you... we have bad days to just smile say thanks and we will be good... ( and tips help to!!! HAHAHA sorry had to throw it in there...) im kidding...

HA so thats all for now... all my barista ranting and raving...peace out yo...

haunted gas stations and ways home...

2008-10-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

i have a slightly dysfunctional problem with directons... DaNella says i would get lost in a cardboard box...(which brings up another story) anyway i usually get lost getting somewhere... last night i went with a friend to a bible study. in which i ran out of gas... so i finally found a gas station my friend was like "Hey you got it from here?" Yeah sure i said... just go straight till i see the cvs...
anyway little did i know that gas station was a gas station from a horror movie...
spiders were crawling everywhere!!! it was almost abandoned... and i had this feeling like what the heck am i doing here? SO i called my Lee. ( poor lee he always gets a random phone call in the middle of the night about some crisis im having...)
"Lee" i say ... " im at a haunted gas station and just in case some guy with a chain saw comes out from behind the store i need you to be on the phone so you can know where i am to identify they body..." of course he oblidges...
so i brush away the spiders and webs to slide in my card. (thankfully they werent moths) and i carry on my way...
UNFORTUNATLY...
i had no idea where i was...
yeah
and lee of course cant help cause he is well... not it alabama...
so i start driving...
i pass what i assume now is the road i should have taken
trying to re calcutale my steps... backwards...

if i turned right at the invisible non invisible stop sign drove a longs ways, and left at the visible stop sign... turn right at the light went over the crazy bridge turned left into cvs...

but somehow ended up right at the invisible non invisible stop sign which ill now be turning left at go a long ways...backwards... no wait... visible stop sign is left... or right? i dont see a bridge?!?!!?

so i missed my turn...

and kept driving lee told me to turn around but i think i would get more lost...
so i kept going straight...

Maybe ill recognize something?!?!!?

lee just laughed at me knowing that i was totally and utterly lost...

somehow i ended up behind some plant...
in which lee is yelling turn around...
i was like come on how many plants are there in alabama? seriously...

lo and behold...

i came out at some discount gas station five min from my house...

oh yeah...
the complete oposite side of where i was supposed to be...

sooooo.....

moral of the story...
dont drive with me...

and though i may not know where the roads lead me to and i do not know how to get somewhere God is watching out for me and will make sure i get home ok...

hold

2008-10-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

standing on this ledge
looking to the ground
i take in all the sights
im seeing all around
how did i ever get here
upon this edge so high
if i go any higher
im sure ill touch the sky
so here the question lies
do i jump? do i go back?
how far will i go this time?
how far am i loosing track?
the rocks crumble beneath my feet
my knees begin to shake
i am not sure of what to do
what decision i will make
but i need, i need a hand to hold
to get me through this one
the weight im feeling now
feels like a thousand tons
my body's inching closer
my spirit stays away
i dont know if i can make it
through just one more day
the wind is blowing through me
it seems so simple here
sometimes these things are beautiful
wiping away a tear
can any body hear me?
when im so far away
give me one good reason
on why i need to stay
i feel as if a tug of war
is going on in me
part of me to fall straight down
as i fall to my knees
i feel as though my hand is held
though no body is there
this fight is never ending
how much can i bear?
but do i continue on with life?
a true fight no body knows
or end it all right here right now...

all right...

here goes.......

cows go moo... baby cows go waaaaa... sams go WHAT?!?!?!

2008-10-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

sooo... as i was driving to church yesterday i looked into a field where there were several baby cows... i was like awww how cute! when i noticed a fairly large cow... i was then thinking wow. thats a very large cow...

then it started to give birth...

no lie...

i was a little confused... and slightly shocked... just thought you should know...

Rapunzel is my cousin...

2008-10-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

let me tell you about hair... my hair... some time ago my like BFF in the whole world... LEE!!! well we decided to make a bet to see who could go the longest without cutting our hair... little did we know that both of us are ridiculously stubborn... you people dont understand... this january we would have gone one year without cutting our hair... ONE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN...........

AND NOW

where i lay my head is home...

2008-10-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

let me tell you about my family...
i have the most amazing family. They consist of amazing people. The best adoptive family LIKE EVER!!!
Lets start...
Q. just a letter... thats all he get his amazinness cannot be contained in a name so he gets a letter... ( Q is the main ninja in this house)
D or DaNella. (also known as DeJanae...) HA is the coolest mom in the history of moms... she is author pastors wife stay at home mom and student... D... you rock my socks...
MY SIBLINGS...
Matt --is annoying but so much fun to pick on... like wow... Matt dear you have met your match
Nana aka ANYA -- atway evera ouya oda ontda ookla upa etha eaningma ota anyaa LOL sorry anya is amazing she loves animals and they love her. She too rocks my socks...
Tym doesnt eat anything and is constantly in need of stealing the arm off of me...
Annie... a little princess with attitude... she is cute and sassy...she is my ROCK STAR!!!

that is my amazing family... thats all for now!!!

just so i can say...

2008-10-07T17:15:00.001-07:00

just so i can say that i posted a blog i am posting this blog...
about posting blogs...

so here it is...
my blog..

about blogs...

amazing...