forever dead... and lovely now...

how can a song move you in just a certain way? how can those certain lyrics describe everything you feel and more?

whats more romantic than dying in the moonlight?

Now they're all watching the sea
What's lost can never be broken
Her roots were sweet
But they were so shallow

And now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now

And now she's dead
Forever dead
And she's so dead and lovely now...

so beautiful.

still im having trouble with this concept...

i still cant get over how suicide is a selfish act. please if someone can explain it to me i may change this thinking. but i dont seem to understand. my life is my life. it does not belong to you. if i were to take something of mine that belongs to me is that selfish? of course not. its silly that anyone thinks that. it belongs to me. if i have a book or a game and it belongs to me and i destroy it... well thats my perogative. no one can say anything. its mine. no one will give it a second thought. now if i take something of yours... and destroy it... thats different. its not mine to begin with. correct? if i take your life... im being selfish. im taking something all to myself. you are not mine. i have no right to take you. now with that said... if i take my life... how is that selfish of me? i do not belong to you. therefor you have no say whatsoever of what i do to my life.

when was the last time you heard of someone killing themselves purely because they hated something they did to themself. just them. i know i havent.

people i know who are suicidal or have these tendencies... are because of child abuse (something they have not done to themselves) bullying ( again they did not bully themselves) verbal abuse, depression caused by such things or even rape.
please tell me when the last time you heard of someone raping themself. please. i would love to know.

because i know lots of people who were raped who feel like its their fault of course it is not. had these things not happened by other people... then said "suicidal" person would not be feeling these things.

see? my point is suicide is not a selfish thing. its when we have tried everything we possibly can and feel there is no other option. we try therapy or writing in journals talking to people nothing seems to help. and the last possible thing to do is end it all. if the people around you truely cared about you at all then they would not say things like how selfish of her to do that? why would he do such a thing? they would know the pain they have gone through and let them go.

sometimes thats all these others need to do. is let them go.
let us go.


you yourself stop being selfish...





and let me go.

wrecked my car.

not gonna lie. im super upset. i mean really i most likley totalled my car... and really all i walk away with is a few bruises? are you kidding? everyone says youre so lucky... caars can be replaced. i always say i love that car more than life itself... now my car is dead... so what does that say about my life? im so very sad.

..

slowly slipping into insanity... thought id let no one know.

.

come on. jump into the void...

who says you cant make a pumpkin pie from real pumpkins?

alright kids here goes...






this is my PUMPKIN!!!






youre going to DIE pumpkin!!!





but dont be sad... im sure you will be delicious pumpkin...








this is before i had to mash the pumpkin...






and here is the finished product... isnt it amazing?

brick wall...

oh dear brick wall, you look so sad. please be my friend.








alas you will?







hmmm i think we can make this better...








much better. so brick wall what to do today?
whats that? oh, you cant move... right...







hey look wall! flowers for you! these are for you arent they pretty? these are my favorite... so whats yours? oh you dont want to tell me? oh... ok then...

so what do you want to do today? really its all about you today wall. please tell me what it is you want to do?

see the sun? ive brought the sun for you!





its just for you on this rainy day. oh whats that? you dont like my sun?

tell me brick wall what do you like? tell me i want to know!

is it colors? is it ivy growing on you? is it rain falling? or passersby?










tell me wall what is it?!?!?! what do you love? im here for you! I love you wall! please!!!







please...





love me back?


dear wall... i see now. you love me not. but its ok wall... its ok.







see ill be ok wall...




ill be ok...



precious dear wall and all like you just know this...
people like me want to be here for you and truely how selfish of me to ask it in return. how truely rude of me to ask that you be here when i need you. and how absolutly absurd of me to ask for your friendship... this is a one way road is it not? im sorry i guess i didnt read in between the fine lines... for i thought a friendship was a two way road. that it exsisted in between two people or more and that they were there and they cared for each other. let me tell you this brick wall if it came to it no matter what i would die for you cause that is what we do... we stick it out for each other we care and cry with each other... but it seems i am not allowed to do this... so many times at this currant time even, brick wall, do i attempt to share to care to worry and cry with others and it never seems to work. and thus brick wall i share with you... for i know brick wall that i can never expect anything from you... and therefor you can never dissapoint me... ever.

but i ask you brick wall... if i would die for you, even though you do not care for me as much as i may care for you... would you die for me? would you give your own life to save mine. cause im dying wall. im dying on the inside slowly my insides are decaying, and i am lifeless. would you die for me? would you save me?



would you?



















i didnt think so.