forever dead... and lovely now...

how can a song move you in just a certain way? how can those certain lyrics describe everything you feel and more?

whats more romantic than dying in the moonlight?

Now they're all watching the sea
What's lost can never be broken
Her roots were sweet
But they were so shallow

And now she's dead
Forever dead
Forever dead and lovely now

And now she's dead
Forever dead
And she's so dead and lovely now...

so beautiful.

still im having trouble with this concept...

i still cant get over how suicide is a selfish act. please if someone can explain it to me i may change this thinking. but i dont seem to understand. my life is my life. it does not belong to you. if i were to take something of mine that belongs to me is that selfish? of course not. its silly that anyone thinks that. it belongs to me. if i have a book or a game and it belongs to me and i destroy it... well thats my perogative. no one can say anything. its mine. no one will give it a second thought. now if i take something of yours... and destroy it... thats different. its not mine to begin with. correct? if i take your life... im being selfish. im taking something all to myself. you are not mine. i have no right to take you. now with that said... if i take my life... how is that selfish of me? i do not belong to you. therefor you have no say whatsoever of what i do to my life.

when was the last time you heard of someone killing themselves purely because they hated something they did to themself. just them. i know i havent.

people i know who are suicidal or have these tendencies... are because of child abuse (something they have not done to themselves) bullying ( again they did not bully themselves) verbal abuse, depression caused by such things or even rape.
please tell me when the last time you heard of someone raping themself. please. i would love to know.

because i know lots of people who were raped who feel like its their fault of course it is not. had these things not happened by other people... then said "suicidal" person would not be feeling these things.

see? my point is suicide is not a selfish thing. its when we have tried everything we possibly can and feel there is no other option. we try therapy or writing in journals talking to people nothing seems to help. and the last possible thing to do is end it all. if the people around you truely cared about you at all then they would not say things like how selfish of her to do that? why would he do such a thing? they would know the pain they have gone through and let them go.

sometimes thats all these others need to do. is let them go.
let us go.


you yourself stop being selfish...





and let me go.

wrecked my car.

not gonna lie. im super upset. i mean really i most likley totalled my car... and really all i walk away with is a few bruises? are you kidding? everyone says youre so lucky... caars can be replaced. i always say i love that car more than life itself... now my car is dead... so what does that say about my life? im so very sad.

..

slowly slipping into insanity... thought id let no one know.

.

come on. jump into the void...

who says you cant make a pumpkin pie from real pumpkins?

alright kids here goes...






this is my PUMPKIN!!!






youre going to DIE pumpkin!!!





but dont be sad... im sure you will be delicious pumpkin...








this is before i had to mash the pumpkin...






and here is the finished product... isnt it amazing?

brick wall...

oh dear brick wall, you look so sad. please be my friend.








alas you will?







hmmm i think we can make this better...








much better. so brick wall what to do today?
whats that? oh, you cant move... right...







hey look wall! flowers for you! these are for you arent they pretty? these are my favorite... so whats yours? oh you dont want to tell me? oh... ok then...

so what do you want to do today? really its all about you today wall. please tell me what it is you want to do?

see the sun? ive brought the sun for you!





its just for you on this rainy day. oh whats that? you dont like my sun?

tell me brick wall what do you like? tell me i want to know!

is it colors? is it ivy growing on you? is it rain falling? or passersby?










tell me wall what is it?!?!?! what do you love? im here for you! I love you wall! please!!!







please...





love me back?


dear wall... i see now. you love me not. but its ok wall... its ok.







see ill be ok wall...




ill be ok...



precious dear wall and all like you just know this...
people like me want to be here for you and truely how selfish of me to ask it in return. how truely rude of me to ask that you be here when i need you. and how absolutly absurd of me to ask for your friendship... this is a one way road is it not? im sorry i guess i didnt read in between the fine lines... for i thought a friendship was a two way road. that it exsisted in between two people or more and that they were there and they cared for each other. let me tell you this brick wall if it came to it no matter what i would die for you cause that is what we do... we stick it out for each other we care and cry with each other... but it seems i am not allowed to do this... so many times at this currant time even, brick wall, do i attempt to share to care to worry and cry with others and it never seems to work. and thus brick wall i share with you... for i know brick wall that i can never expect anything from you... and therefor you can never dissapoint me... ever.

but i ask you brick wall... if i would die for you, even though you do not care for me as much as i may care for you... would you die for me? would you give your own life to save mine. cause im dying wall. im dying on the inside slowly my insides are decaying, and i am lifeless. would you die for me? would you save me?



would you?



















i didnt think so.

nothing.

if you cut something open and nothing is inside what makes the outside?

there is no title to this.

im so tired of this. no really i am. im so sick of it all. but its so annoying. and im sure what im about to vent wont make any sense at all...

ok so im sick and when i told someone it became all about them. oh my back hurts. oh ive been sick too... blah blah blah. not oh sam are you ok?

ok so ive been kind of depressed lately and i tried to tell someone and it became all about them. wow man i want to kill myself. please help me.

ok so ive been having nightmares lately i went to tell someone about it and it became all about them. wow yeah i havent been sleeping well. man i wish i could sleep better. i just stay up and watch tv. instead of sleep.


so what do i do? i comfort them. ask if i can get them anything to make them feel better.

i stay up till three in the morning even though i have to be up really early the next day for work and convince them that life is worth it... when i doubt that myself... and i cant convince myself not to die im here convincing another death is not the answer.

i tell them some "fail proof" methods for sleeping when they never work and i still have nightmares. horrible horrible nightmares i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
(darn you mother... and your genetics for nightmares!)

someone this week told me i was self centered. OH how i wish it were true.

someone else this week told me how much happier i would be if i WERE self centered. meaning i am not.

how i wish for once. when i do that good old cry for help. people realize it as one last attempt for saving me. and not an example of the others i must save.

why must i be everyones savior? im not. im not anyones savior. i have done nothing to deserve this honor. yet i need one. who will be my savior? i need someone to step in and save me. im so tired of all these pathetic attempts at a cry for help.

im done crying for help. im done with everything...

the right thing...

why is it so incredibly hard to do the right thing? and from there. if im doing the right thing... why am i the one getting in trouble? why are they retaliating against me? why do i have to do the right thing? why cant i just look away like everyone else does? and on top of it all why cant people care? i mean what do you people want a cry for help? well help!!! gosh.

APPLE PIE!!!

I MADE AN APPLE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

missing link?

tell me how you kids feel...

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

etcetera etcetera etcetera...

sorry about that last post... so funny story...

i got a kitten...

Her name oh you guessed it.

is etcetera...

she loqve5rrrrrrrr

love my computer. alot.

pppppp nnnnnnnnnnfblog posted. she posted it. well i was trying to write and she hit enter and posted it herself. she loves to play on the keyboard of my computer. i think she sees me typeing and wants to try it herself. she is the most beautiful cat ever... ( q and d say she has to stay outside... sigh...)

anyway i gtg. because she keeps try8ing to type. lol

but right now she is purrin and trying to hide behind my hair on my shoulders...


she keeps smelling me too. i think she thinks she is a dog... silly kitty...

etceteRA

so you know that whole relay thing i was doing?

so you know that whole relay for life thing ive been doing?


well last months meeting shelby county reporter took a few pics for the paper. and i guess mine was chosen to apear in the paper. this is me kids!!!


again if you are interested in saving lives let me know... this is my website if you would like to donate!



http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team

random theological quesition...

so at what point do you decide between...
God will provide for me i need not worry.

and

wow im poor and need a job.


at what point do we choose? do we say. i dont need to worry about finances because God will provide.


And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others

2 corinthians 9:8

but it also says that we need to work to eat...

For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.

2 thessalonians 3:10


its just a thought i was wondering if there are sides or if there is a median.

wow what a random day...

ok so let me tell you kids about one random event that happend yesterday then about two that happened today...


id never seen a beaver before...

ok so theres been this poor poor animal on the side of the road for a few days now. ( im sorry why i notice these things i will never know...) anyway so ive been looking at it going what is that? its so oddly shaped and i dont think that its a dog... but its to big to be a possum or something like that... whatever... i let it go every day trying to study it as i drove by...

so yesterday i was driving home from church after making some really gross milkshakes for youth group ( some of which including.... pepermint, smarties, caramel, vanilla, sigh... "chocolate" worshester sauce "mint" turnip greens... "strawberry" hot sauce with hot tamales... )
im a wonderful youth pastor arent i? lol

so driving home and i see it... i finally realize what it is...








its a cat...




HAHAHAHAHA im kidding... OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS A BEAVER!!!!!!!!!! A BEAVER!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!


needless to say it was a very exciting moment for me...

end.



today...

as im in starbucks working these two guys come in... there was a debate on whether they were on acid or smoking pot... no lie. so being that they are not capable of driving we decide to call the cops and get their plate number and let the cops deal with them...

so we were starting to panick thinking OH NO!!! they are leaving!!!! how will we get the plate number???




how did we get it you ask?


oh gee well they were driving about...oh... three miles an hour... no lie. took them ten min to get out of our parking lot... once they left the cops pulled in. i assume they found them.
it wasnt hard to find... big red truck going at three miles an hour... yeah


later that day another car pulls in what looks like a cop car turns out to be a park ranger... they park in the final parking space in our parking lot.
pop the trunk. all the while staring at me in the drive through window...

i look away for a moment...

look back and see another man. i ponder a moment and think how funny if that man was sitting in the trunk.

a few min go by... two maybe three tops and i look back.

the park rangers are leaving.
and have left this man... with a sleeping bag blanket and suitcase alone. sitting in the grass in our parking lot.


nice right? oh it gets better.

after a few min he decides to leave. but he takes about ohhh... five steps... and starts dancing. yes you heard that right. he is now dancing in my drive through. awesome.

he crosses the street. smokes a cigerette. and walks into the parking lot of the resturant next to us.
walks up to the poor fed ex man...( i dont know if you have seen a fed ex truck but there are no doors...)

and he starts dancing to the fed ex man. so we send someone out to talk to him bring him food.
( meanwhile a bet was placed. five dollars if the man is homeless or not...)

yup he was homeless came from new york how he got to alabama. i will never know. but here he is. dancing in our parking lot.
he talks a while to the man we sent out and then follows him back to starbucks where he asks for change for a 20.00

where he got this 20... well think of something creative. but the change he asks for goes something like this...
he needed 19 ones... three quarters... and five nickles. i dont know why again... think of something creative.

he stayed at starbucks for a few hours. i dont know where he ended up going. its raining here and i feel bad knowing he has nowhere to stay in the rain.

anyway... so


then my friend and i go to the movies...

oh you thought it was over???


when we leave some random guy is walking around with a spear. KIDS!!! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!!

a spear...

he sees us staring at it... and says simply...

hey...




wanna touch my spear?



( im so not kidding i cant make this stuff up...)

look it hasnt killed anyone yet. lol

so we talk to this random stranger in the movie theatre parking lot for oh twenty min or so talking from age to jobs to family history... he was born in california to schitzophrenic alcoholic parents and when he was born was immediatly taken into custody of the state now he lives here with his adoptive parents who are missionaries in africa where he got the spear.

yeah.

we also talked about some good movies in theatres about how someone asked if he was a serial killer. a pastor... a serial killing pastor... sigh... this is all true...

he talked about how he worked at wal mart how you shouldnt drop out of school he was homeschooled has or is in the process of getting a college degree online ( im sorry i cant remember which)

how he was going to invite my friend to church for easter but i beat him to it... lol


wow.

my day was.... insane...





so tell me about yours....

random not writing...

as if pouring out my soul on paper gets me anywhere...

when ink is flowing like my blood
the thoughts so overwhelming
creation pouring like a flood
into this soul im delving

somehow i need to write it all
about this complex world
about our strengths and when we fall
and mysteries unfurled

but what to write when you cant think
of what to write at all
you know your mind is on the brink
but still your fingers stall

they fumble here and ponder there
brisky gently every key
a dance that simply cant compare
with creativity

and every stroke of every pen
will tell another tale
stories to read once and again
reality covered in a veil

alas i fear that i must leave you now
for i have nothing to write about
at least that this time will allow
untill later kids im out...

stories from a bedroom...

if i were a room my wall paper would be peeling at the corners
if i were a book my pages would be water marked and torn
if i were a bed i would uncomfortable and awkward.
if i were a door i would creak and moan from to many pushed years

if feel as if im stuck in a room with wall paper peeling away at the corners. slowly flaking away. slowly falling apart. as if my story is stained and hollow. i feel so hollow. and true how does one feel hollow? once i find the words ill explain it to you. but alas these words are all i have and they too are hollow. fine black ink upon water marked, tear stained pages of my life. the smell of cheap paper and pungent utterly hopless scent of ink. ink that could be blood. dripping away upon the paper of my life. and how i always feel ever so uncomfortable. ive made the bed i must lie in. and how this bed is? to many years of use. now abandoned and useless. torn and broken sharp springs jolting you at every turn. how you long for a night sleep yet know its not possible. but if i were a door. alas if mine eyes were a door to my soul... this tortured broken door creaking at every slight breathe. a whisp of wind a slight movement and the creaking moaning tortured door, pushed far beyond the years creaks ever so much more. this poor broken door longing to be fixed to be mended. alas no one is here to fix this door.
and alas these poor poor eyes. in which have seen so much and not enough. will they never be wanted? will no one look into these eyes and see the pain hiding behind them? will no one see the rented smile upon my face? i borrow smiles from you so you believe that im am happy. i smile only so you smile. i laugh so you can laugh. for its never about these broken souls. these broken doors, opening the passage to another more simple life. its always about others.

but in being about others will it in turn be about me? ive decided no. it cant be about me. someone must be stupid for others to be smart. someone must be lazy for others to work. someone must be sad for others to be happy. someone must die for others to live. ive come to accept that its not about i. nor about so many others in which we too will learn to live these lives. as those who watch what goes on around us. we try to fix things and yet always fail. i am but four walls. i hold up what i can but in the end i too will perish. i too, will be destroyed by weather. or people. the more needy. and as a bedroom i will protect you from these but in the end. when i am worn
when my wall paper is peeling or pages are tearing or bed is poking or doors are moaning. someone somewhere will find a better use to destroy me. to build a better room. a better person who will be stronger. more sufficent.
as if one were suffocating yet still breathing. as if one were drowning yet dry.
as if one were dying. yet...
still wakes up everyday longing for a little more.
not given this privlidge.
yearning for something.
yet how do you yearn or want something when you yourself dont know what it is?


i asked someone today why do people feel the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone or something to make them feel complete?

they replied. people are just like that. it is normal to feel you need something to complete you.

i asked someone today what if you dont want to have someone or something to complete you?

they replied. i would call that wise.





i sure dont feel wise.
and yet i dont feel complete.


somehow... i feel nothing.














but alas if i were to compare what i feel to something.

it would resemble,
wall paper peeling off a wall.