raindrops falling on a tin roof...

i love the song come away with me.
there is a line. it says i want to wake up to the rain falling on a tin roof.
i have always loved that line for some strange reason.
i dont get used to things easy. it takes me a long time to ajust to new surroundings. i was just getting used the the old house when i moved into the one im in now. and its an amazing house. however being its so new to me. its hard to get used to it. therefor i have a very hard time sleeping. ontop of the normal insomnia that i suffer from. that being said one of the only things that helps me sleep is the rain.
i posted a blog the other day about a book i love. the line in the book was Only good times now. sometimes its very hard for me to believe.
however, when i got to work my manager said that soon i will start my training to be a shift supervisor. you people dont understand. i LOVE working at starbucks. my dream from day one was to be a shift. ( so i can get experience and soon own my own coffee shop if not a starbucks.)
i was so excited i almost cried. anyway. then i got out of work a little eary due to the fact of almost going into overtime so sweet right?
then i was like man i wish i didnt have to go home. it means ill have to go to bed and i sometimes dread sleeping cause i know how hard it is for me to sleep ( lol hence me being so angry when i wake up...lol) anyway. i walk in my room turn on my computer and sit and hear...



raindrops falling on my tin roof.........


















God cares about the small things...

as i lay on my floor...

as i lay on my floor and my depression is hitting me big time im just wondering how im going to make it through this one...
day by day is all i can do
but what do you do when you just cant get up in the morning...

only good times now...

so my favorite book in the whole wide world has this sentence...
Only good times now...

and i love this book so much because i seem to relate to alot of things the girl goes through... well more or less...

she goes through a series of foster homes and in the one she ends in last she ends up getting pearls, the couple tell her... only good times now...

though she does not end up staying with them... though things dont work out for her at the time ( and well through the entire book)
she ends up making it through ok...

and it makes me think... only good times now...
im so used to things going horribly wrong. especially if things seem to be going well for a time...
ive just moved into the most amazing house with the most amazing people in the world and though i know they will never do anything that little girl in me... the one so used to pain is telling me to get out... she is telling me to get away not to depend on this... that things will get worse... and i fear that this hard outer shell that i have calloused over me will fall off and when it does ill be back at square one.

again... ive only had good times with these most amazing people.
and yet...

yet im still on edge.

still fearing that ill turn the corner and my mother will be there. ( i know she will never read this) but i still think she is going to just walk into my work one day... and what will i be able to do?
still think that she is going to show up at my house and tell me i have to come back with her... though i know she doesnt want me... its not the point to her... the point is ... im happy here... for the most part at least. and she hates that.

i have this bet with my best friend in the world to grow our hair. i keep thinking my mother is going to just pop up and pull it... or ill wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over my bed with scissors... i know this sounds ridiculous but these are my everyday thoughts...

nothing seems to work out in my life... ( sorry im not really trying to go for the emo thing...) but i get so scared when things are going well because i think something far worse is going to happen... and now that im shedding this barrier i have done so well to create i believe i will fall harder than i have ever fallen...

and on top of all the normal problems i have... there is something deeper that haunts me. and i hate it. i fear that ill never get over that either. and so badly i want to forget it. just pretend it never happend cant it go away? all these horrible feelings cant they leave? i mean at least for a time? must i always feel this way? everywhere i go... i cant escape it... somedays i know im going to hear about it... i can just feel it. and somenights the nightmares are so bad that i feel i cant escape it no matter what i do... i live it everyday and in sleep too. cant i just crawl into bed and stay here. not to deal with the world? it expects so much of me. and sometimes i dont know if i can continue on or not.

you know whats worse?

i know im going to make it through. its so hard but im going to. because i have to be here for so many others... so they can make it through. but how can i tell them how to do it how can i say it will be ok someday youll get through if im having such a hard time doing it?

i really wish i could talk to someone about it... but i cant...
i wish i didnt hate myself so much too...

safe and sound...

theres beauty in release...
so just let go and breathe
of all that will ever be








Maybe this is forever
Forever fades away
Like a rocket ascending into space
Could you not be sad
Could you not break down
After all I won't let go o

[CHORUS:]
Until you're safe and sound
Until you're safe and sound

There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please
But you and me o I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
All our friends are waiting there

[CHORUS]

Feel like I could've held on
Feel like I could've let go
Feel like I could've helped you
Feel like I could've changed you
Feel like I could've held you
Feel like I could've hurt you
Feel like I was a stranger
Feel like I was an angel
Feel like I was a hero
Feel like I was a zero
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I could have saved you
Feel like I should've heard you
Feel like I could have moved you
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I should've told you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you.


do you ever feel
sad?
blue?
alone?
hopeless?
do you feel as if someone should
hold you
change you?
heal you?
love you?
save you?

if beauty is release...
and to release is true beauty
if you hold on
are you ugly inside?
tortured?
broken?
will you ever be saved?
ever be loved?
if you cant love yourself
how will any one else love you?
what if you dont want to love?
what if you dont want to be loved?
what if all the times you are going to be loved...
ends up in failure?
and pain...
heartache
and tragedy?
how will you ever live with yourself?
dont they know?
will they ever know?
i dont think anyone will
im not sure anymore
if anyone will want to know
want to care
to take time out
and let you be



beautiful...

Released...

from all the pain you endure...
from others...

and mostly yourself



you are your own worst enemy




and what a better enemy than the one who knows you the best...




will i ever be safe and sound?

waiting...

i know its getting closer
i can feel it
war can only stay silent so long
i know its happening soon
i can sense it
peace wont last so long...
im not meant to be saved
by any mortal flesh at least
i feel as though im not meant to be happy
those feelings are deceased
i feel like anger is closing in
and pain will overwhelm me
im choking on the air i breathe
i feel just like im drowning...
waiting for someone to explode
im waiting on the edge
for someone to just push me
off my lingering ledge
my life is not a perfect one
i wont even say its good
i feel my words are futile
not like normal feelings should
sometimes i feel my only feelings
are of misery and pain
i know this isnt helpful
and nothing here i gain
my past is ever haunting me
overseeing all i do
people i meet and things i say
its sad i know but true...
so though this is still my life
i know the war will come
and when it does ill be right here
just see what ive become...

on the edge...

do you ever feel like youre on the edge?
but not sure of whats the edge?
like youre falling off something
but dont know how far?
always inching closer and closer...
till you just cant take it anymore?
do you jump?
hold on for dear life?
what do you do?
the world in which you live in
seems so far away
you feel like someones pushing you...
closer to the edge...
and when you get there
you get a final push...
just to have your shirt grabed the last second...
will they save you?
or just let you go?


who knows?

do you ever feel empty?
like its not really you...
do you ever feel hollow
a shell covering you?
like your life is always
an out of body event
like the body you own
isnt yours... you just rent
do you ever feel angry
just because its what you know?
do you ever feel bad
when you let your emotions show?
do you just apologize
to make them go away
you just say your sorry
and hope you obey?
do you ever feel chained
though nothings holding you back
do you truly want... the courage you lack?
are you doomed for eternity
in this hole of your own...
or just write this poetry
to hear your soul groan...

so i feel empty inside and im not sure what to do... and i feel as if there is nothing inside of me... its like im living a life thats not my own... im here to supervise and i over see the things going on... but this isnt really me. not really my body or my soul... its someone elses it has to be. i had such high hopes for myself... and this failure well its just not me... im not a failure i cant be right?
sometimes i just want to stay in bed all day... just leave me be...
im so broken... i feel broken... like im falling apart... inside and out... and i dont know if ill ever be fixed. i wish the things that are in my past would have never reminded me of the things ive never done... i wish they would stop harrassing me of the things i dont think ill ever be able to do... i wish the thoughts would go away... and just leave me be... i hate to be awake sometimes and now my slumber has gotten to this point again to which i am afraid to sleep... i dont know why i am ranting here... sorry