so its one thirty in the morning and i have to be up early for church tomorrow but well... i just cant sleep so what do i do? blog...
sometimes i fear these feelings will never go away. that this lingering depression will haunt me in the back of my mind forever. some days are good. some not so much. but this depression is always there. and not even depression. all sorts of feelings that i know i shouldnt be feeling. and i cant help but feel them. i mean i cant stop my brain from feeling this. or thinking these thoughts. the only thing i can do is try to get distracted by something else. push these thoughts away. but though i push them away for the time being they still arise. if not stronger. and they do it ive come to realize when i cant defend my mind from myself. in my sleep. its been good for a week. no nightmares. but when i close my eyes the images are still there. these demons. trying to get me. why are so many trying to get me? these dreams of death. and murder. even my happy dreams have a mention of death somewhere lingering like the bad taste of cotton in your mouth. always there. no matter how you quench your thirst it lingers. no matter how much i try to think happy thoughts or pray. ( not in that order...) it seems as if it gets worse. i had another nightmare the other night ( oh ok... i take it back i have had a nightmare this week) but i was so thankful for this nightmare. ( how odd does that sound?) side note... i am horribley ridiculously absoulutly TERRIFIED PETRIFIED MORTIFED scared of caterpillars. im not kidding... dont laugh at me... i dreamt that i was covered in caterpillars cockroaches and other bugs. crawling all over me. ( i also have this bad thing with having the feeling of insects crawling on my its a long story summed up it makes me feel crazy... whatever.) so number one there are caterpillars and number two i am having these bugs crawl on me. so naturally im freaking out. i woke up shaking couldnt breathe. smacking myself all over ( trying to get imaginary insects off of me) and realized how happy i was that i didnt die. one of the first dreams in a very long time with no death. ( just forget about how i couldnt breathe when i woke up lol not that important...) but still... its horrible. and again im at a lose for words at what to do in this dilema...
anyone? help?
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
alice in wonderland...
how can i make this work? ok here goes... i feel like being creative...
( By the way... im not entirely sure where this one is going so be patient you may learn something...)
so i love alice in wonderland. there are so many things that you can use to make it true to you. its not just a story. its your life...its mine.
poor sweet alice falls down the rabbit hole of life to which she ponders about her new found rabbit hole. we are born and thrown into this most curious hole of life.
we meet strange new charecters and discover strange new things and what is the point?
absoulutly nothing...
oh yes my dear friends that is right. NOTHING.
no point. this is all nonsence.
all life is... is nonsence.
queen red ( our reddish friend as we all percieve) as satan only wanting us dead. physically, spiritually? both? ( ive been having these horrible nightmares and it seems like satan is really trying to kill me)
tweedle dee and dumb. are those oh so frustrating ones we try to speak to and they just dont understand... But why dont they understand? because.
because we are to busy dealing with our own distractions with our cheshire cats. dealing with our own selves that these people are still babies. still unaware of the world around them.
lost in there own rabbit hole trying to find their way out.
we need to help them. and in helpind dee and dumb. we help ourselves.
our pool of tears. is just that. a pool of our own saddness.
life is overwhelming. its scary and hard. you will cry... im sorry did you not see that?
YOU WILL CRY!
its supposed to happen. use your pain to help you. again. helping others helps yourself. you had something bad happen. tell someone, you may be able to save yourself by saving them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
read that again...
you may save someone by saving you...
our rabbit holes are just what we percieve them to be. what we imagine them to be. what we want them to be.
leave one rabbit hole to go to another.
try not to make sence of life. theres to much saddness in the world. to much seriousness.
go tickle someone... right now...
stop whatever youre doint and tickle someone. if they ask why... just say because there is always time for nonsence. ( ha just dont tickle me...lol)
anyway.
so on a personal note...
im having a hard time dealing with one of my rabbit holes. as you read earlier...
im having very bad nightmares. i wake up constantly. always death and dying. even in what starts to be a good dream ends up in some way or form death. it seems sometimes everything i do revolves around the pure destruction of my demise.
be it suicide or murder. wherever i go its there haunting me. as some may know i suffer from depression. so the option of death on my part isnt so far off. as hard as i am trying im still here. its a tough battle. a battle fought soley in my mind. i go to work i think about death. i come home i think about death i drive i think about death. its inevitable. i try to think of different things to get my mind off of it. sometimes its just having to distract myself long enough not to do it. i also cut... though not in a while the feeling is still there. and though some days its just...ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in fiv min... and just pushing it off till i dont want to anymore. but it doesnt always help... and i feel so lost. im so lost in this rabbit hole. no one is here to save me. ((( and d i know youll read this im sure...))) i have moved to the most amazing place with the most amazing people. i have been here five months and five days. and still i feel as if im not worthy to be in such a wonderful place. like i should suffer so someone else can be happy. that i am not allowed to be happy. and though i try i find it difficult to be genuilly happy.
and as christmas is nearing i feel even more hopeless. even more depressed. i hate the fake cheer. how people pretend they care for you now just to get prepackaged gifts but when you need them... when you call them at three in the morning with a knife in your hand they are to busy dreaming about sunshine and cupcakes.
my friends. my fellow wanderers of internet who have happend to fall upon this blog for the sake of it being down a rabbit hole. i dont know you. im not sure if i can help you but call me. call me if you have a knife at three in the morning. i assure you i dream not of sunshine and cupcakes. i dream of death as you do. i dream of dying as you. i to know what its like to feel the dreams in which you are dying are the best you and i have ever had. i am there. i know what its like to be sad. to be lost in that deep dark rabbit hole as you...
i guess the moral of this blog would be...
does anyone need to help themselves?
anyone up for helping me???
sincerely yours...
another down a rabbit hole...
p.s. i do realize this blog is pretty much pointless i thank you anyway...
( By the way... im not entirely sure where this one is going so be patient you may learn something...)
so i love alice in wonderland. there are so many things that you can use to make it true to you. its not just a story. its your life...its mine.
poor sweet alice falls down the rabbit hole of life to which she ponders about her new found rabbit hole. we are born and thrown into this most curious hole of life.
we meet strange new charecters and discover strange new things and what is the point?
absoulutly nothing...
oh yes my dear friends that is right. NOTHING.
no point. this is all nonsence.
all life is... is nonsence.
queen red ( our reddish friend as we all percieve) as satan only wanting us dead. physically, spiritually? both? ( ive been having these horrible nightmares and it seems like satan is really trying to kill me)
tweedle dee and dumb. are those oh so frustrating ones we try to speak to and they just dont understand... But why dont they understand? because.
because we are to busy dealing with our own distractions with our cheshire cats. dealing with our own selves that these people are still babies. still unaware of the world around them.
lost in there own rabbit hole trying to find their way out.
we need to help them. and in helpind dee and dumb. we help ourselves.
our pool of tears. is just that. a pool of our own saddness.
life is overwhelming. its scary and hard. you will cry... im sorry did you not see that?
YOU WILL CRY!
its supposed to happen. use your pain to help you. again. helping others helps yourself. you had something bad happen. tell someone, you may be able to save yourself by saving them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
read that again...
you may save someone by saving you...
our rabbit holes are just what we percieve them to be. what we imagine them to be. what we want them to be.
leave one rabbit hole to go to another.
try not to make sence of life. theres to much saddness in the world. to much seriousness.
go tickle someone... right now...
stop whatever youre doint and tickle someone. if they ask why... just say because there is always time for nonsence. ( ha just dont tickle me...lol)
anyway.
so on a personal note...
im having a hard time dealing with one of my rabbit holes. as you read earlier...
im having very bad nightmares. i wake up constantly. always death and dying. even in what starts to be a good dream ends up in some way or form death. it seems sometimes everything i do revolves around the pure destruction of my demise.
be it suicide or murder. wherever i go its there haunting me. as some may know i suffer from depression. so the option of death on my part isnt so far off. as hard as i am trying im still here. its a tough battle. a battle fought soley in my mind. i go to work i think about death. i come home i think about death i drive i think about death. its inevitable. i try to think of different things to get my mind off of it. sometimes its just having to distract myself long enough not to do it. i also cut... though not in a while the feeling is still there. and though some days its just...ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in fiv min... and just pushing it off till i dont want to anymore. but it doesnt always help... and i feel so lost. im so lost in this rabbit hole. no one is here to save me. ((( and d i know youll read this im sure...))) i have moved to the most amazing place with the most amazing people. i have been here five months and five days. and still i feel as if im not worthy to be in such a wonderful place. like i should suffer so someone else can be happy. that i am not allowed to be happy. and though i try i find it difficult to be genuilly happy.
and as christmas is nearing i feel even more hopeless. even more depressed. i hate the fake cheer. how people pretend they care for you now just to get prepackaged gifts but when you need them... when you call them at three in the morning with a knife in your hand they are to busy dreaming about sunshine and cupcakes.
my friends. my fellow wanderers of internet who have happend to fall upon this blog for the sake of it being down a rabbit hole. i dont know you. im not sure if i can help you but call me. call me if you have a knife at three in the morning. i assure you i dream not of sunshine and cupcakes. i dream of death as you do. i dream of dying as you. i to know what its like to feel the dreams in which you are dying are the best you and i have ever had. i am there. i know what its like to be sad. to be lost in that deep dark rabbit hole as you...
i guess the moral of this blog would be...
does anyone need to help themselves?
anyone up for helping me???
sincerely yours...
another down a rabbit hole...
p.s. i do realize this blog is pretty much pointless i thank you anyway...
Friday, November 14, 2008
raindrops falling on a tin roof...
i love the song come away with me.
there is a line. it says i want to wake up to the rain falling on a tin roof.
i have always loved that line for some strange reason.
i dont get used to things easy. it takes me a long time to ajust to new surroundings. i was just getting used the the old house when i moved into the one im in now. and its an amazing house. however being its so new to me. its hard to get used to it. therefor i have a very hard time sleeping. ontop of the normal insomnia that i suffer from. that being said one of the only things that helps me sleep is the rain.
i posted a blog the other day about a book i love. the line in the book was Only good times now. sometimes its very hard for me to believe.
however, when i got to work my manager said that soon i will start my training to be a shift supervisor. you people dont understand. i LOVE working at starbucks. my dream from day one was to be a shift. ( so i can get experience and soon own my own coffee shop if not a starbucks.)
i was so excited i almost cried. anyway. then i got out of work a little eary due to the fact of almost going into overtime so sweet right?
then i was like man i wish i didnt have to go home. it means ill have to go to bed and i sometimes dread sleeping cause i know how hard it is for me to sleep ( lol hence me being so angry when i wake up...lol) anyway. i walk in my room turn on my computer and sit and hear...
raindrops falling on my tin roof.........
God cares about the small things...
there is a line. it says i want to wake up to the rain falling on a tin roof.
i have always loved that line for some strange reason.
i dont get used to things easy. it takes me a long time to ajust to new surroundings. i was just getting used the the old house when i moved into the one im in now. and its an amazing house. however being its so new to me. its hard to get used to it. therefor i have a very hard time sleeping. ontop of the normal insomnia that i suffer from. that being said one of the only things that helps me sleep is the rain.
i posted a blog the other day about a book i love. the line in the book was Only good times now. sometimes its very hard for me to believe.
however, when i got to work my manager said that soon i will start my training to be a shift supervisor. you people dont understand. i LOVE working at starbucks. my dream from day one was to be a shift. ( so i can get experience and soon own my own coffee shop if not a starbucks.)
i was so excited i almost cried. anyway. then i got out of work a little eary due to the fact of almost going into overtime so sweet right?
then i was like man i wish i didnt have to go home. it means ill have to go to bed and i sometimes dread sleeping cause i know how hard it is for me to sleep ( lol hence me being so angry when i wake up...lol) anyway. i walk in my room turn on my computer and sit and hear...
raindrops falling on my tin roof.........
God cares about the small things...
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
as i lay on my floor...
as i lay on my floor and my depression is hitting me big time im just wondering how im going to make it through this one...
day by day is all i can do
but what do you do when you just cant get up in the morning...
day by day is all i can do
but what do you do when you just cant get up in the morning...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
only good times now...
so my favorite book in the whole wide world has this sentence...
Only good times now...
and i love this book so much because i seem to relate to alot of things the girl goes through... well more or less...
she goes through a series of foster homes and in the one she ends in last she ends up getting pearls, the couple tell her... only good times now...
though she does not end up staying with them... though things dont work out for her at the time ( and well through the entire book)
she ends up making it through ok...
and it makes me think... only good times now...
im so used to things going horribly wrong. especially if things seem to be going well for a time...
ive just moved into the most amazing house with the most amazing people in the world and though i know they will never do anything that little girl in me... the one so used to pain is telling me to get out... she is telling me to get away not to depend on this... that things will get worse... and i fear that this hard outer shell that i have calloused over me will fall off and when it does ill be back at square one.
again... ive only had good times with these most amazing people.
and yet...
yet im still on edge.
still fearing that ill turn the corner and my mother will be there. ( i know she will never read this) but i still think she is going to just walk into my work one day... and what will i be able to do?
still think that she is going to show up at my house and tell me i have to come back with her... though i know she doesnt want me... its not the point to her... the point is ... im happy here... for the most part at least. and she hates that.
i have this bet with my best friend in the world to grow our hair. i keep thinking my mother is going to just pop up and pull it... or ill wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over my bed with scissors... i know this sounds ridiculous but these are my everyday thoughts...
nothing seems to work out in my life... ( sorry im not really trying to go for the emo thing...) but i get so scared when things are going well because i think something far worse is going to happen... and now that im shedding this barrier i have done so well to create i believe i will fall harder than i have ever fallen...
and on top of all the normal problems i have... there is something deeper that haunts me. and i hate it. i fear that ill never get over that either. and so badly i want to forget it. just pretend it never happend cant it go away? all these horrible feelings cant they leave? i mean at least for a time? must i always feel this way? everywhere i go... i cant escape it... somedays i know im going to hear about it... i can just feel it. and somenights the nightmares are so bad that i feel i cant escape it no matter what i do... i live it everyday and in sleep too. cant i just crawl into bed and stay here. not to deal with the world? it expects so much of me. and sometimes i dont know if i can continue on or not.
you know whats worse?
i know im going to make it through. its so hard but im going to. because i have to be here for so many others... so they can make it through. but how can i tell them how to do it how can i say it will be ok someday youll get through if im having such a hard time doing it?
i really wish i could talk to someone about it... but i cant...
i wish i didnt hate myself so much too...
Only good times now...
and i love this book so much because i seem to relate to alot of things the girl goes through... well more or less...
she goes through a series of foster homes and in the one she ends in last she ends up getting pearls, the couple tell her... only good times now...
though she does not end up staying with them... though things dont work out for her at the time ( and well through the entire book)
she ends up making it through ok...
and it makes me think... only good times now...
im so used to things going horribly wrong. especially if things seem to be going well for a time...
ive just moved into the most amazing house with the most amazing people in the world and though i know they will never do anything that little girl in me... the one so used to pain is telling me to get out... she is telling me to get away not to depend on this... that things will get worse... and i fear that this hard outer shell that i have calloused over me will fall off and when it does ill be back at square one.
again... ive only had good times with these most amazing people.
and yet...
yet im still on edge.
still fearing that ill turn the corner and my mother will be there. ( i know she will never read this) but i still think she is going to just walk into my work one day... and what will i be able to do?
still think that she is going to show up at my house and tell me i have to come back with her... though i know she doesnt want me... its not the point to her... the point is ... im happy here... for the most part at least. and she hates that.
i have this bet with my best friend in the world to grow our hair. i keep thinking my mother is going to just pop up and pull it... or ill wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over my bed with scissors... i know this sounds ridiculous but these are my everyday thoughts...
nothing seems to work out in my life... ( sorry im not really trying to go for the emo thing...) but i get so scared when things are going well because i think something far worse is going to happen... and now that im shedding this barrier i have done so well to create i believe i will fall harder than i have ever fallen...
and on top of all the normal problems i have... there is something deeper that haunts me. and i hate it. i fear that ill never get over that either. and so badly i want to forget it. just pretend it never happend cant it go away? all these horrible feelings cant they leave? i mean at least for a time? must i always feel this way? everywhere i go... i cant escape it... somedays i know im going to hear about it... i can just feel it. and somenights the nightmares are so bad that i feel i cant escape it no matter what i do... i live it everyday and in sleep too. cant i just crawl into bed and stay here. not to deal with the world? it expects so much of me. and sometimes i dont know if i can continue on or not.
you know whats worse?
i know im going to make it through. its so hard but im going to. because i have to be here for so many others... so they can make it through. but how can i tell them how to do it how can i say it will be ok someday youll get through if im having such a hard time doing it?
i really wish i could talk to someone about it... but i cant...
i wish i didnt hate myself so much too...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
safe and sound...
theres beauty in release...
so just let go and breathe
of all that will ever be
Maybe this is forever
Forever fades away
Like a rocket ascending into space
Could you not be sad
Could you not break down
After all I won't let go o
[CHORUS:]
Until you're safe and sound
Until you're safe and sound
There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please
But you and me o I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
All our friends are waiting there
[CHORUS]
Feel like I could've held on
Feel like I could've let go
Feel like I could've helped you
Feel like I could've changed you
Feel like I could've held you
Feel like I could've hurt you
Feel like I was a stranger
Feel like I was an angel
Feel like I was a hero
Feel like I was a zero
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I could have saved you
Feel like I should've heard you
Feel like I could have moved you
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I should've told you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you.
do you ever feel
sad?
blue?
alone?
hopeless?
do you feel as if someone should
hold you
change you?
heal you?
love you?
save you?
if beauty is release...
and to release is true beauty
if you hold on
are you ugly inside?
tortured?
broken?
will you ever be saved?
ever be loved?
if you cant love yourself
how will any one else love you?
what if you dont want to love?
what if you dont want to be loved?
what if all the times you are going to be loved...
ends up in failure?
and pain...
heartache
and tragedy?
how will you ever live with yourself?
dont they know?
will they ever know?
i dont think anyone will
im not sure anymore
if anyone will want to know
want to care
to take time out
and let you be
beautiful...
Released...
from all the pain you endure...
from others...
and mostly yourself
you are your own worst enemy
and what a better enemy than the one who knows you the best...
will i ever be safe and sound?
so just let go and breathe
of all that will ever be
Maybe this is forever
Forever fades away
Like a rocket ascending into space
Could you not be sad
Could you not break down
After all I won't let go o
[CHORUS:]
Until you're safe and sound
Until you're safe and sound
There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please
But you and me o I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
All our friends are waiting there
[CHORUS]
Feel like I could've held on
Feel like I could've let go
Feel like I could've helped you
Feel like I could've changed you
Feel like I could've held you
Feel like I could've hurt you
Feel like I was a stranger
Feel like I was an angel
Feel like I was a hero
Feel like I was a zero
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I could have saved you
Feel like I should've heard you
Feel like I could have moved you
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I should've told you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you.
do you ever feel
sad?
blue?
alone?
hopeless?
do you feel as if someone should
hold you
change you?
heal you?
love you?
save you?
if beauty is release...
and to release is true beauty
if you hold on
are you ugly inside?
tortured?
broken?
will you ever be saved?
ever be loved?
if you cant love yourself
how will any one else love you?
what if you dont want to love?
what if you dont want to be loved?
what if all the times you are going to be loved...
ends up in failure?
and pain...
heartache
and tragedy?
how will you ever live with yourself?
dont they know?
will they ever know?
i dont think anyone will
im not sure anymore
if anyone will want to know
want to care
to take time out
and let you be
beautiful...
Released...
from all the pain you endure...
from others...
and mostly yourself
you are your own worst enemy
and what a better enemy than the one who knows you the best...
will i ever be safe and sound?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
waiting...
i know its getting closer
i can feel it
war can only stay silent so long
i know its happening soon
i can sense it
peace wont last so long...
im not meant to be saved
by any mortal flesh at least
i feel as though im not meant to be happy
those feelings are deceased
i feel like anger is closing in
and pain will overwhelm me
im choking on the air i breathe
i feel just like im drowning...
waiting for someone to explode
im waiting on the edge
for someone to just push me
off my lingering ledge
my life is not a perfect one
i wont even say its good
i feel my words are futile
not like normal feelings should
sometimes i feel my only feelings
are of misery and pain
i know this isnt helpful
and nothing here i gain
my past is ever haunting me
overseeing all i do
people i meet and things i say
its sad i know but true...
so though this is still my life
i know the war will come
and when it does ill be right here
just see what ive become...
i can feel it
war can only stay silent so long
i know its happening soon
i can sense it
peace wont last so long...
im not meant to be saved
by any mortal flesh at least
i feel as though im not meant to be happy
those feelings are deceased
i feel like anger is closing in
and pain will overwhelm me
im choking on the air i breathe
i feel just like im drowning...
waiting for someone to explode
im waiting on the edge
for someone to just push me
off my lingering ledge
my life is not a perfect one
i wont even say its good
i feel my words are futile
not like normal feelings should
sometimes i feel my only feelings
are of misery and pain
i know this isnt helpful
and nothing here i gain
my past is ever haunting me
overseeing all i do
people i meet and things i say
its sad i know but true...
so though this is still my life
i know the war will come
and when it does ill be right here
just see what ive become...
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