wrecked my car.

not gonna lie. im super upset. i mean really i most likley totalled my car... and really all i walk away with is a few bruises? are you kidding? everyone says youre so lucky... caars can be replaced. i always say i love that car more than life itself... now my car is dead... so what does that say about my life? im so very sad.

..

slowly slipping into insanity... thought id let no one know.

.

come on. jump into the void...

who says you cant make a pumpkin pie from real pumpkins?

alright kids here goes...






this is my PUMPKIN!!!






youre going to DIE pumpkin!!!





but dont be sad... im sure you will be delicious pumpkin...








this is before i had to mash the pumpkin...






and here is the finished product... isnt it amazing?

brick wall...

oh dear brick wall, you look so sad. please be my friend.








alas you will?







hmmm i think we can make this better...








much better. so brick wall what to do today?
whats that? oh, you cant move... right...







hey look wall! flowers for you! these are for you arent they pretty? these are my favorite... so whats yours? oh you dont want to tell me? oh... ok then...

so what do you want to do today? really its all about you today wall. please tell me what it is you want to do?

see the sun? ive brought the sun for you!





its just for you on this rainy day. oh whats that? you dont like my sun?

tell me brick wall what do you like? tell me i want to know!

is it colors? is it ivy growing on you? is it rain falling? or passersby?










tell me wall what is it?!?!?! what do you love? im here for you! I love you wall! please!!!







please...





love me back?


dear wall... i see now. you love me not. but its ok wall... its ok.







see ill be ok wall...




ill be ok...



precious dear wall and all like you just know this...
people like me want to be here for you and truely how selfish of me to ask it in return. how truely rude of me to ask that you be here when i need you. and how absolutly absurd of me to ask for your friendship... this is a one way road is it not? im sorry i guess i didnt read in between the fine lines... for i thought a friendship was a two way road. that it exsisted in between two people or more and that they were there and they cared for each other. let me tell you this brick wall if it came to it no matter what i would die for you cause that is what we do... we stick it out for each other we care and cry with each other... but it seems i am not allowed to do this... so many times at this currant time even, brick wall, do i attempt to share to care to worry and cry with others and it never seems to work. and thus brick wall i share with you... for i know brick wall that i can never expect anything from you... and therefor you can never dissapoint me... ever.

but i ask you brick wall... if i would die for you, even though you do not care for me as much as i may care for you... would you die for me? would you give your own life to save mine. cause im dying wall. im dying on the inside slowly my insides are decaying, and i am lifeless. would you die for me? would you save me?



would you?



















i didnt think so.

nothing.

if you cut something open and nothing is inside what makes the outside?

there is no title to this.

im so tired of this. no really i am. im so sick of it all. but its so annoying. and im sure what im about to vent wont make any sense at all...

ok so im sick and when i told someone it became all about them. oh my back hurts. oh ive been sick too... blah blah blah. not oh sam are you ok?

ok so ive been kind of depressed lately and i tried to tell someone and it became all about them. wow man i want to kill myself. please help me.

ok so ive been having nightmares lately i went to tell someone about it and it became all about them. wow yeah i havent been sleeping well. man i wish i could sleep better. i just stay up and watch tv. instead of sleep.


so what do i do? i comfort them. ask if i can get them anything to make them feel better.

i stay up till three in the morning even though i have to be up really early the next day for work and convince them that life is worth it... when i doubt that myself... and i cant convince myself not to die im here convincing another death is not the answer.

i tell them some "fail proof" methods for sleeping when they never work and i still have nightmares. horrible horrible nightmares i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
(darn you mother... and your genetics for nightmares!)

someone this week told me i was self centered. OH how i wish it were true.

someone else this week told me how much happier i would be if i WERE self centered. meaning i am not.

how i wish for once. when i do that good old cry for help. people realize it as one last attempt for saving me. and not an example of the others i must save.

why must i be everyones savior? im not. im not anyones savior. i have done nothing to deserve this honor. yet i need one. who will be my savior? i need someone to step in and save me. im so tired of all these pathetic attempts at a cry for help.

im done crying for help. im done with everything...