so its one thirty in the morning and i have to be up early for church tomorrow but well... i just cant sleep so what do i do? blog...
sometimes i fear these feelings will never go away. that this lingering depression will haunt me in the back of my mind forever. some days are good. some not so much. but this depression is always there. and not even depression. all sorts of feelings that i know i shouldnt be feeling. and i cant help but feel them. i mean i cant stop my brain from feeling this. or thinking these thoughts. the only thing i can do is try to get distracted by something else. push these thoughts away. but though i push them away for the time being they still arise. if not stronger. and they do it ive come to realize when i cant defend my mind from myself. in my sleep. its been good for a week. no nightmares. but when i close my eyes the images are still there. these demons. trying to get me. why are so many trying to get me? these dreams of death. and murder. even my happy dreams have a mention of death somewhere lingering like the bad taste of cotton in your mouth. always there. no matter how you quench your thirst it lingers. no matter how much i try to think happy thoughts or pray. ( not in that order...) it seems as if it gets worse. i had another nightmare the other night ( oh ok... i take it back i have had a nightmare this week) but i was so thankful for this nightmare. ( how odd does that sound?) side note... i am horribley ridiculously absoulutly TERRIFIED PETRIFIED MORTIFED scared of caterpillars. im not kidding... dont laugh at me... i dreamt that i was covered in caterpillars cockroaches and other bugs. crawling all over me. ( i also have this bad thing with having the feeling of insects crawling on my its a long story summed up it makes me feel crazy... whatever.) so number one there are caterpillars and number two i am having these bugs crawl on me. so naturally im freaking out. i woke up shaking couldnt breathe. smacking myself all over ( trying to get imaginary insects off of me) and realized how happy i was that i didnt die. one of the first dreams in a very long time with no death. ( just forget about how i couldnt breathe when i woke up lol not that important...) but still... its horrible. and again im at a lose for words at what to do in this dilema...
anyone? help?
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
alice in wonderland...
how can i make this work? ok here goes... i feel like being creative...
( By the way... im not entirely sure where this one is going so be patient you may learn something...)
so i love alice in wonderland. there are so many things that you can use to make it true to you. its not just a story. its your life...its mine.
poor sweet alice falls down the rabbit hole of life to which she ponders about her new found rabbit hole. we are born and thrown into this most curious hole of life.
we meet strange new charecters and discover strange new things and what is the point?
absoulutly nothing...
oh yes my dear friends that is right. NOTHING.
no point. this is all nonsence.
all life is... is nonsence.
queen red ( our reddish friend as we all percieve) as satan only wanting us dead. physically, spiritually? both? ( ive been having these horrible nightmares and it seems like satan is really trying to kill me)
tweedle dee and dumb. are those oh so frustrating ones we try to speak to and they just dont understand... But why dont they understand? because.
because we are to busy dealing with our own distractions with our cheshire cats. dealing with our own selves that these people are still babies. still unaware of the world around them.
lost in there own rabbit hole trying to find their way out.
we need to help them. and in helpind dee and dumb. we help ourselves.
our pool of tears. is just that. a pool of our own saddness.
life is overwhelming. its scary and hard. you will cry... im sorry did you not see that?
YOU WILL CRY!
its supposed to happen. use your pain to help you. again. helping others helps yourself. you had something bad happen. tell someone, you may be able to save yourself by saving them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
read that again...
you may save someone by saving you...
our rabbit holes are just what we percieve them to be. what we imagine them to be. what we want them to be.
leave one rabbit hole to go to another.
try not to make sence of life. theres to much saddness in the world. to much seriousness.
go tickle someone... right now...
stop whatever youre doint and tickle someone. if they ask why... just say because there is always time for nonsence. ( ha just dont tickle me...lol)
anyway.
so on a personal note...
im having a hard time dealing with one of my rabbit holes. as you read earlier...
im having very bad nightmares. i wake up constantly. always death and dying. even in what starts to be a good dream ends up in some way or form death. it seems sometimes everything i do revolves around the pure destruction of my demise.
be it suicide or murder. wherever i go its there haunting me. as some may know i suffer from depression. so the option of death on my part isnt so far off. as hard as i am trying im still here. its a tough battle. a battle fought soley in my mind. i go to work i think about death. i come home i think about death i drive i think about death. its inevitable. i try to think of different things to get my mind off of it. sometimes its just having to distract myself long enough not to do it. i also cut... though not in a while the feeling is still there. and though some days its just...ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in fiv min... and just pushing it off till i dont want to anymore. but it doesnt always help... and i feel so lost. im so lost in this rabbit hole. no one is here to save me. ((( and d i know youll read this im sure...))) i have moved to the most amazing place with the most amazing people. i have been here five months and five days. and still i feel as if im not worthy to be in such a wonderful place. like i should suffer so someone else can be happy. that i am not allowed to be happy. and though i try i find it difficult to be genuilly happy.
and as christmas is nearing i feel even more hopeless. even more depressed. i hate the fake cheer. how people pretend they care for you now just to get prepackaged gifts but when you need them... when you call them at three in the morning with a knife in your hand they are to busy dreaming about sunshine and cupcakes.
my friends. my fellow wanderers of internet who have happend to fall upon this blog for the sake of it being down a rabbit hole. i dont know you. im not sure if i can help you but call me. call me if you have a knife at three in the morning. i assure you i dream not of sunshine and cupcakes. i dream of death as you do. i dream of dying as you. i to know what its like to feel the dreams in which you are dying are the best you and i have ever had. i am there. i know what its like to be sad. to be lost in that deep dark rabbit hole as you...
i guess the moral of this blog would be...
does anyone need to help themselves?
anyone up for helping me???
sincerely yours...
another down a rabbit hole...
p.s. i do realize this blog is pretty much pointless i thank you anyway...
( By the way... im not entirely sure where this one is going so be patient you may learn something...)
so i love alice in wonderland. there are so many things that you can use to make it true to you. its not just a story. its your life...its mine.
poor sweet alice falls down the rabbit hole of life to which she ponders about her new found rabbit hole. we are born and thrown into this most curious hole of life.
we meet strange new charecters and discover strange new things and what is the point?
absoulutly nothing...
oh yes my dear friends that is right. NOTHING.
no point. this is all nonsence.
all life is... is nonsence.
queen red ( our reddish friend as we all percieve) as satan only wanting us dead. physically, spiritually? both? ( ive been having these horrible nightmares and it seems like satan is really trying to kill me)
tweedle dee and dumb. are those oh so frustrating ones we try to speak to and they just dont understand... But why dont they understand? because.
because we are to busy dealing with our own distractions with our cheshire cats. dealing with our own selves that these people are still babies. still unaware of the world around them.
lost in there own rabbit hole trying to find their way out.
we need to help them. and in helpind dee and dumb. we help ourselves.
our pool of tears. is just that. a pool of our own saddness.
life is overwhelming. its scary and hard. you will cry... im sorry did you not see that?
YOU WILL CRY!
its supposed to happen. use your pain to help you. again. helping others helps yourself. you had something bad happen. tell someone, you may be able to save yourself by saving them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
read that again...
you may save someone by saving you...
our rabbit holes are just what we percieve them to be. what we imagine them to be. what we want them to be.
leave one rabbit hole to go to another.
try not to make sence of life. theres to much saddness in the world. to much seriousness.
go tickle someone... right now...
stop whatever youre doint and tickle someone. if they ask why... just say because there is always time for nonsence. ( ha just dont tickle me...lol)
anyway.
so on a personal note...
im having a hard time dealing with one of my rabbit holes. as you read earlier...
im having very bad nightmares. i wake up constantly. always death and dying. even in what starts to be a good dream ends up in some way or form death. it seems sometimes everything i do revolves around the pure destruction of my demise.
be it suicide or murder. wherever i go its there haunting me. as some may know i suffer from depression. so the option of death on my part isnt so far off. as hard as i am trying im still here. its a tough battle. a battle fought soley in my mind. i go to work i think about death. i come home i think about death i drive i think about death. its inevitable. i try to think of different things to get my mind off of it. sometimes its just having to distract myself long enough not to do it. i also cut... though not in a while the feeling is still there. and though some days its just...ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in fiv min... and just pushing it off till i dont want to anymore. but it doesnt always help... and i feel so lost. im so lost in this rabbit hole. no one is here to save me. ((( and d i know youll read this im sure...))) i have moved to the most amazing place with the most amazing people. i have been here five months and five days. and still i feel as if im not worthy to be in such a wonderful place. like i should suffer so someone else can be happy. that i am not allowed to be happy. and though i try i find it difficult to be genuilly happy.
and as christmas is nearing i feel even more hopeless. even more depressed. i hate the fake cheer. how people pretend they care for you now just to get prepackaged gifts but when you need them... when you call them at three in the morning with a knife in your hand they are to busy dreaming about sunshine and cupcakes.
my friends. my fellow wanderers of internet who have happend to fall upon this blog for the sake of it being down a rabbit hole. i dont know you. im not sure if i can help you but call me. call me if you have a knife at three in the morning. i assure you i dream not of sunshine and cupcakes. i dream of death as you do. i dream of dying as you. i to know what its like to feel the dreams in which you are dying are the best you and i have ever had. i am there. i know what its like to be sad. to be lost in that deep dark rabbit hole as you...
i guess the moral of this blog would be...
does anyone need to help themselves?
anyone up for helping me???
sincerely yours...
another down a rabbit hole...
p.s. i do realize this blog is pretty much pointless i thank you anyway...
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