wrecked my car.

not gonna lie. im super upset. i mean really i most likley totalled my car... and really all i walk away with is a few bruises? are you kidding? everyone says youre so lucky... caars can be replaced. i always say i love that car more than life itself... now my car is dead... so what does that say about my life? im so very sad.

..

slowly slipping into insanity... thought id let no one know.

.

come on. jump into the void...

who says you cant make a pumpkin pie from real pumpkins?

alright kids here goes...






this is my PUMPKIN!!!






youre going to DIE pumpkin!!!





but dont be sad... im sure you will be delicious pumpkin...








this is before i had to mash the pumpkin...






and here is the finished product... isnt it amazing?

brick wall...

oh dear brick wall, you look so sad. please be my friend.








alas you will?







hmmm i think we can make this better...








much better. so brick wall what to do today?
whats that? oh, you cant move... right...







hey look wall! flowers for you! these are for you arent they pretty? these are my favorite... so whats yours? oh you dont want to tell me? oh... ok then...

so what do you want to do today? really its all about you today wall. please tell me what it is you want to do?

see the sun? ive brought the sun for you!





its just for you on this rainy day. oh whats that? you dont like my sun?

tell me brick wall what do you like? tell me i want to know!

is it colors? is it ivy growing on you? is it rain falling? or passersby?










tell me wall what is it?!?!?! what do you love? im here for you! I love you wall! please!!!







please...





love me back?


dear wall... i see now. you love me not. but its ok wall... its ok.







see ill be ok wall...




ill be ok...



precious dear wall and all like you just know this...
people like me want to be here for you and truely how selfish of me to ask it in return. how truely rude of me to ask that you be here when i need you. and how absolutly absurd of me to ask for your friendship... this is a one way road is it not? im sorry i guess i didnt read in between the fine lines... for i thought a friendship was a two way road. that it exsisted in between two people or more and that they were there and they cared for each other. let me tell you this brick wall if it came to it no matter what i would die for you cause that is what we do... we stick it out for each other we care and cry with each other... but it seems i am not allowed to do this... so many times at this currant time even, brick wall, do i attempt to share to care to worry and cry with others and it never seems to work. and thus brick wall i share with you... for i know brick wall that i can never expect anything from you... and therefor you can never dissapoint me... ever.

but i ask you brick wall... if i would die for you, even though you do not care for me as much as i may care for you... would you die for me? would you give your own life to save mine. cause im dying wall. im dying on the inside slowly my insides are decaying, and i am lifeless. would you die for me? would you save me?



would you?



















i didnt think so.

nothing.

if you cut something open and nothing is inside what makes the outside?

there is no title to this.

im so tired of this. no really i am. im so sick of it all. but its so annoying. and im sure what im about to vent wont make any sense at all...

ok so im sick and when i told someone it became all about them. oh my back hurts. oh ive been sick too... blah blah blah. not oh sam are you ok?

ok so ive been kind of depressed lately and i tried to tell someone and it became all about them. wow man i want to kill myself. please help me.

ok so ive been having nightmares lately i went to tell someone about it and it became all about them. wow yeah i havent been sleeping well. man i wish i could sleep better. i just stay up and watch tv. instead of sleep.


so what do i do? i comfort them. ask if i can get them anything to make them feel better.

i stay up till three in the morning even though i have to be up really early the next day for work and convince them that life is worth it... when i doubt that myself... and i cant convince myself not to die im here convincing another death is not the answer.

i tell them some "fail proof" methods for sleeping when they never work and i still have nightmares. horrible horrible nightmares i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
(darn you mother... and your genetics for nightmares!)

someone this week told me i was self centered. OH how i wish it were true.

someone else this week told me how much happier i would be if i WERE self centered. meaning i am not.

how i wish for once. when i do that good old cry for help. people realize it as one last attempt for saving me. and not an example of the others i must save.

why must i be everyones savior? im not. im not anyones savior. i have done nothing to deserve this honor. yet i need one. who will be my savior? i need someone to step in and save me. im so tired of all these pathetic attempts at a cry for help.

im done crying for help. im done with everything...

the right thing...

why is it so incredibly hard to do the right thing? and from there. if im doing the right thing... why am i the one getting in trouble? why are they retaliating against me? why do i have to do the right thing? why cant i just look away like everyone else does? and on top of it all why cant people care? i mean what do you people want a cry for help? well help!!! gosh.

APPLE PIE!!!

I MADE AN APPLE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

missing link?

tell me how you kids feel...

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

etcetera etcetera etcetera...

sorry about that last post... so funny story...

i got a kitten...

Her name oh you guessed it.

is etcetera...

she loqve5rrrrrrrr

love my computer. alot.

pppppp nnnnnnnnnnfblog posted. she posted it. well i was trying to write and she hit enter and posted it herself. she loves to play on the keyboard of my computer. i think she sees me typeing and wants to try it herself. she is the most beautiful cat ever... ( q and d say she has to stay outside... sigh...)

anyway i gtg. because she keeps try8ing to type. lol

but right now she is purrin and trying to hide behind my hair on my shoulders...


she keeps smelling me too. i think she thinks she is a dog... silly kitty...

etceteRA

so you know that whole relay thing i was doing?

so you know that whole relay for life thing ive been doing?


well last months meeting shelby county reporter took a few pics for the paper. and i guess mine was chosen to apear in the paper. this is me kids!!!


again if you are interested in saving lives let me know... this is my website if you would like to donate!



http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team

random theological quesition...

so at what point do you decide between...
God will provide for me i need not worry.

and

wow im poor and need a job.


at what point do we choose? do we say. i dont need to worry about finances because God will provide.


And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others

2 corinthians 9:8

but it also says that we need to work to eat...

For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.

2 thessalonians 3:10


its just a thought i was wondering if there are sides or if there is a median.

wow what a random day...

ok so let me tell you kids about one random event that happend yesterday then about two that happened today...


id never seen a beaver before...

ok so theres been this poor poor animal on the side of the road for a few days now. ( im sorry why i notice these things i will never know...) anyway so ive been looking at it going what is that? its so oddly shaped and i dont think that its a dog... but its to big to be a possum or something like that... whatever... i let it go every day trying to study it as i drove by...

so yesterday i was driving home from church after making some really gross milkshakes for youth group ( some of which including.... pepermint, smarties, caramel, vanilla, sigh... "chocolate" worshester sauce "mint" turnip greens... "strawberry" hot sauce with hot tamales... )
im a wonderful youth pastor arent i? lol

so driving home and i see it... i finally realize what it is...








its a cat...




HAHAHAHAHA im kidding... OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS A BEAVER!!!!!!!!!! A BEAVER!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!


needless to say it was a very exciting moment for me...

end.



today...

as im in starbucks working these two guys come in... there was a debate on whether they were on acid or smoking pot... no lie. so being that they are not capable of driving we decide to call the cops and get their plate number and let the cops deal with them...

so we were starting to panick thinking OH NO!!! they are leaving!!!! how will we get the plate number???




how did we get it you ask?


oh gee well they were driving about...oh... three miles an hour... no lie. took them ten min to get out of our parking lot... once they left the cops pulled in. i assume they found them.
it wasnt hard to find... big red truck going at three miles an hour... yeah


later that day another car pulls in what looks like a cop car turns out to be a park ranger... they park in the final parking space in our parking lot.
pop the trunk. all the while staring at me in the drive through window...

i look away for a moment...

look back and see another man. i ponder a moment and think how funny if that man was sitting in the trunk.

a few min go by... two maybe three tops and i look back.

the park rangers are leaving.
and have left this man... with a sleeping bag blanket and suitcase alone. sitting in the grass in our parking lot.


nice right? oh it gets better.

after a few min he decides to leave. but he takes about ohhh... five steps... and starts dancing. yes you heard that right. he is now dancing in my drive through. awesome.

he crosses the street. smokes a cigerette. and walks into the parking lot of the resturant next to us.
walks up to the poor fed ex man...( i dont know if you have seen a fed ex truck but there are no doors...)

and he starts dancing to the fed ex man. so we send someone out to talk to him bring him food.
( meanwhile a bet was placed. five dollars if the man is homeless or not...)

yup he was homeless came from new york how he got to alabama. i will never know. but here he is. dancing in our parking lot.
he talks a while to the man we sent out and then follows him back to starbucks where he asks for change for a 20.00

where he got this 20... well think of something creative. but the change he asks for goes something like this...
he needed 19 ones... three quarters... and five nickles. i dont know why again... think of something creative.

he stayed at starbucks for a few hours. i dont know where he ended up going. its raining here and i feel bad knowing he has nowhere to stay in the rain.

anyway... so


then my friend and i go to the movies...

oh you thought it was over???


when we leave some random guy is walking around with a spear. KIDS!!! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!!

a spear...

he sees us staring at it... and says simply...

hey...




wanna touch my spear?



( im so not kidding i cant make this stuff up...)

look it hasnt killed anyone yet. lol

so we talk to this random stranger in the movie theatre parking lot for oh twenty min or so talking from age to jobs to family history... he was born in california to schitzophrenic alcoholic parents and when he was born was immediatly taken into custody of the state now he lives here with his adoptive parents who are missionaries in africa where he got the spear.

yeah.

we also talked about some good movies in theatres about how someone asked if he was a serial killer. a pastor... a serial killing pastor... sigh... this is all true...

he talked about how he worked at wal mart how you shouldnt drop out of school he was homeschooled has or is in the process of getting a college degree online ( im sorry i cant remember which)

how he was going to invite my friend to church for easter but i beat him to it... lol


wow.

my day was.... insane...





so tell me about yours....

random not writing...

as if pouring out my soul on paper gets me anywhere...

when ink is flowing like my blood
the thoughts so overwhelming
creation pouring like a flood
into this soul im delving

somehow i need to write it all
about this complex world
about our strengths and when we fall
and mysteries unfurled

but what to write when you cant think
of what to write at all
you know your mind is on the brink
but still your fingers stall

they fumble here and ponder there
brisky gently every key
a dance that simply cant compare
with creativity

and every stroke of every pen
will tell another tale
stories to read once and again
reality covered in a veil

alas i fear that i must leave you now
for i have nothing to write about
at least that this time will allow
untill later kids im out...

stories from a bedroom...

if i were a room my wall paper would be peeling at the corners
if i were a book my pages would be water marked and torn
if i were a bed i would uncomfortable and awkward.
if i were a door i would creak and moan from to many pushed years

if feel as if im stuck in a room with wall paper peeling away at the corners. slowly flaking away. slowly falling apart. as if my story is stained and hollow. i feel so hollow. and true how does one feel hollow? once i find the words ill explain it to you. but alas these words are all i have and they too are hollow. fine black ink upon water marked, tear stained pages of my life. the smell of cheap paper and pungent utterly hopless scent of ink. ink that could be blood. dripping away upon the paper of my life. and how i always feel ever so uncomfortable. ive made the bed i must lie in. and how this bed is? to many years of use. now abandoned and useless. torn and broken sharp springs jolting you at every turn. how you long for a night sleep yet know its not possible. but if i were a door. alas if mine eyes were a door to my soul... this tortured broken door creaking at every slight breathe. a whisp of wind a slight movement and the creaking moaning tortured door, pushed far beyond the years creaks ever so much more. this poor broken door longing to be fixed to be mended. alas no one is here to fix this door.
and alas these poor poor eyes. in which have seen so much and not enough. will they never be wanted? will no one look into these eyes and see the pain hiding behind them? will no one see the rented smile upon my face? i borrow smiles from you so you believe that im am happy. i smile only so you smile. i laugh so you can laugh. for its never about these broken souls. these broken doors, opening the passage to another more simple life. its always about others.

but in being about others will it in turn be about me? ive decided no. it cant be about me. someone must be stupid for others to be smart. someone must be lazy for others to work. someone must be sad for others to be happy. someone must die for others to live. ive come to accept that its not about i. nor about so many others in which we too will learn to live these lives. as those who watch what goes on around us. we try to fix things and yet always fail. i am but four walls. i hold up what i can but in the end i too will perish. i too, will be destroyed by weather. or people. the more needy. and as a bedroom i will protect you from these but in the end. when i am worn
when my wall paper is peeling or pages are tearing or bed is poking or doors are moaning. someone somewhere will find a better use to destroy me. to build a better room. a better person who will be stronger. more sufficent.
as if one were suffocating yet still breathing. as if one were drowning yet dry.
as if one were dying. yet...
still wakes up everyday longing for a little more.
not given this privlidge.
yearning for something.
yet how do you yearn or want something when you yourself dont know what it is?


i asked someone today why do people feel the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone or something to make them feel complete?

they replied. people are just like that. it is normal to feel you need something to complete you.

i asked someone today what if you dont want to have someone or something to complete you?

they replied. i would call that wise.





i sure dont feel wise.
and yet i dont feel complete.


somehow... i feel nothing.














but alas if i were to compare what i feel to something.

it would resemble,
wall paper peeling off a wall.

negative... :)

whos to says its what i wanted anyway?

update...

so lots of stuff going on. everyone in the house has gotten sick i was hopeing to avoid it... well so much for that plan. its frustrating when you do so much for other people and get nothing back in return. i mean. im not like oh hey i covered a shift for you now you HAVE to pay it back. but if im sick which i dont usually get. and if i do i dont call off work... and i cant go to work? it must mean its pretty bad. and no one would cover for me. but oh well.

ive been in this bad depression lately and i think its over. but it sucked while it lasted. i just have to keep my mind on other things. and as much as people keep asking me i am doing fine with all the things i am doing. with kids church and youth and work. they dont understand that i need to be doing all this. if not i get more stressed and depressed. if i am busy i forget about the depression.

anyway. things are well... going... with relay.

so far it is just me on the team. the family is going to join which is good. but again its frustrating because so many people said that they would join and now are all backing out. but the thing is i have set a goal for $1,000 and im pretty much set on making that goal. if that means i have to raise it all on my own so be it. i can and i will. yes it may be hard but i think its possible. i was just informed i can sell hot dogs onsite as well as i am going to be selling coffee that starbucks will be donating.

anyway im going back to watching movies and relaxing, before i start working more on relay for life stuff.

again if anyone reads this and would like to donate here is the site...


http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team


thanks and God bless

disregard...

ugh people drive me crazy. why is it that everyone is the same?!?!?!?!?! GOSH seriously sometimes i wonder about the creativity of people. or at least the brilliance or shall i say lack there of... maybe the ignorance? can we blame it on that? is everyone ignorant? or are they just stupid. ugh. whatever. at least i got something cool today.

journals make everything better...

saving lives...

ok kids i just got a donation im now at 120.00!!! 880.00 to go!

Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!

saving lives...

hey kids...

alright raise your hand if you like to save lives?

ok raise your hand if you have heard of relay for life?

ok if you hand wasnt raised for that second question but was up for the first. let me explain...

relay for life was started in 1985 by a dr. he ran on a track for 24 hours and people payed 50.00 to run or walk with him for thirty min.

the point?

to raise money for cancer research and awarness.

OK so what does this mean now?

this means that now. we have this nifty fundraiser called relay for life. we walk for 12 hours. from six pm to six am. and we try to raise money for cancer research.

this is such an amazing cause. and its totally worth every cent.

MY TEAM

so im saying this because i have started a team. my goal is 1,000.

so far i have raised $85.00 and am still going.

my theory is this...

i understand that the economy is bad. that we may not have alot of extra cash lying around. but think of those who have to go through chemotherapy. those who ontop of normal bills wont have the money to pay for drs. appointments.

so next time you want to go out to mcdonalds or even starbucks. ( yes i went there)
mcdonalds isnt going out of buissiness. they can handle you not getting a double cheeseburget to save someones life.

and you have my permission NOT to tip me if you spend that extra dollar on relay or another worthy cause where we can save lives.


i will be updating how my team is doing. here on the blog.

OH and by the way. the team name. is March Hares. ( cause were marching... and i love alice in wonderland..._


CAUSE CANCER IS NONSENCE!!!!!!!!!!



if youre interested in donating to relay for life this is my team website...

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=417635&fr_id=15755&pg=team


thanks so much and God bless!!!

who needs sleep when you have blogs?

sigh... its late. i got to work at 12 to pick up my check. it wasnt there. fed ex dropped off papers and forgot to drop off our checks. so i couldnt cash it. i was going to cash it then buy lunch. its usually what i do on paydays. so being i didnt have it i was like oh its ok i have some money left from tips. i looked in my hiding place for money in my car... oh yeah... i left my money at home. sooo... i wasnt going to sit at work for two hours waiting for my paycheck. i still havent had anything to eat yet. so i drove all they way back home. got money went ate lunch. drove back to work and clocked in. curley fries didnt feel good and wanted to go home early. i told my shift that there was ABSOLUTLY no way i was going home early. i have bills i have to pay... sorry. so curley went home early and i worked his shift... oh yeah that means working from 2 till 11 45. its about nine hours. i mean its not so bad... but all day people are like judging me for different things. like this guy i work with is mad that i wont watch movies he wants to watch but ill watch movies his brother wants me to watch. its because his brother knows my standards. he knows what ill watch and what i wont. and im a horrible person because i wont watch movies about pedophiles...right? whatever. so im like hey... im sorry if my priorities are bigger than yours. that i care more about what goes in than you. whatever. and then i get home and i have an email about the same thing. like why? whats wrong with you that you dont watch rated R movies? can you not watch it for its artistic elements? i can. believe me i can. but i choose not to. i choose to be a better role model for these kids. is no one proud of me? can no one say look. i dont agree with what you are doing because GOD IS NOT A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE. but i am proud you are standing up for what you believe? Look i never said this was going to be easy and iknow God wont give us more than we can handle. but seriously. you think some people would just chill out and shut up?
UGH! and on top of this... its now one am. im still awake. dreading sleep...AGAIN.
stupid nightmares. i get stressed when im awake and now my nightmares are back. hey at least i didnt die in this on right? i mean totally being abandoned and almost killed isnt that bad right? whatever... ill get over it...

im attempting sleep now...

just some ranting ignore this blog...

ok so... im just ranting and raving. so ignore this ok? ok...
i work. i work at starbucks supposedly full time. however we are over in labor meaning over in workers. so people are getting sent home. i preclose. so i came in earlier than the others so i get to go home first. i get to go home early. and i mean really early. i was supposed to get off at 10 and left at 6 30. hey i get off early right? why am i complaining. ok here we go.
so i was talking to two people at work one said they only work to pay off their car. thats it. other than that they wouldnt work. they dont pay rent or whatever. the other one says their parents wont let them leave home untill they can show they can support themself. wow right? oh yeah the first is 21 the second 23. 23!!! my gosh! i was paying rent at 15. i was paying to sleep on a couch that the dog drooled slept and peed on! and they arent allowed to leave home? so me getting sent home early... i have bills i have to pay. my own car my car insurance my rent. i buy most of my own food. Dont get me wrong i love living here. i am 20 and i guess you can say im living at home. but mine are slightly different circumstances. my mother stole from me, not to mention the three hundred i gave her every paycheck. i mean i have no money. and by now im scraping by and still losing hours at work! its just frustrating. i see all these people getting everything they want. like they dont have anything hard in their life. why do bad things happen to good people? i dont know. i mean im not worried God will provide. He will make things work. its just hard when I myself dont know whats going on. or whats going to happen. it will all work out its just a little stressful. but ill be ok. ill make it through. im not asking for it to be easy... ok well maybe a little easier. i know God has plans for me. and i know they are big and i know that i have to go through the fire to be well done. but sometimes i wish the heat was turned down just a little...
thats all. just ranting...

a challenge for you...

ok so i did it. and i challenge you to do it too.


ive just started as Youth pastor and childrens pastor at Shelby Christian Fellowship in Alabama.


i decided that what i do the kids will want to push further.

and i need to watch what i say and do for our youths sake.


so all my movies rated R and PG 13
everything with profanity i got rid of. all of it.


it sucks a little.
because they are just movies right?
i mean just cause its in there i wont do it right?

WRONG.

what we put in our bodies comes out.


if we listen to movies or music with profanity we become more acustomed to saying it.


so yes. i got rid of it all. and if you know me you know that silence of the lambs is the ultimate favorite of all my movies.


its gone.


part of me misses it and part is glad that i am cleaning my spirit to be more open to what God wants from me.




so my challenge to you is this.


if you have movies or music or anything you know is preventing your intimate relationship with God i challenge you to get rid of it.

see the difference in your life when its gone.


and if you cant if you still have those movies or music


well it shows where your priorities lie...


let me know how it goes.

late night poetry...

late night poetry


Dear God,
i know you want to hold me.
i know you want to be there
yet i cant help fight these hands holding on
yet you still seem to care.
and though i try and turn from you
you hold on tighter now
i try to run away from it all
still you press on but how?
im so afraid of whats to come
of my future and my past
you are so strong still holding me
yet i feel i still wont last
still i yearn to break away
from all i know is right
im so lost alone out here
the world cold as black twilight
so cruel they all are to me
does no one understand
i break away from it all
and still i feel your hand
how worthless do i feel my God
yet you are always here
you still hold onto me dearly
and wipe away my tear.
i feel i am not worthy
of the love you offer me
and still your mighty hands
are holding onto me...

worship questions...

alright kids. you people who read this. i need your help.
i need you to tell me different ways you worship our Rockin' God.
anything you do.
there are no wrong answers
im just writing an sermon on worship and i would like to know what you all do.
thanks a latte.

God bless...

sam

friends...

so im trying to figure things out.
ive been getting hints from God these past few weeks about friends. i just dont know what the hints are leading to. i dont know if its about trust because i dont trust many in the first place. i dont know if its about love because i dont know how to expirience for i feel as if ive never been shown love. i fear that i pick people as friends because i know at some point i will or they will abandon me. and because i am so acustomed to this i continue to follow this path. my best friend was supposed to visit me and is not able to. and i fear that he never will visit me. i am just not a big enough priority in his life. so then i think about priority. which i will get to later. but that being said. this is supposed to be my best friend and i fear that we are drifting further and further apart. who am i to talk to? and on top of that there is this long story about something that happend with an employee at work and my other friend at work i feel is avoiding me. i feel so alone in this world at times. and its frustrating because i know God is trying to tell me something but i cant seem to figure it out. leading to the next topic. priorities. in our lives we put so many things in front of God. work... play... friends... family... everything.
when the one thing we need more than life is God. and how are we to stay devoted to him with other things as our priority? i do miss my friend dearly. and i say i feel we are drawing apart because i am getting closer to God and he is not. im not saying that i am going to totally abandon him. i feel that if anyone will get him one small step closer to God it will be me. but he has been so hurt i dont know if it will happen. God is not a priority in his life. and that makes it harder on me.
we tend to go to others for our problems our friends our family stranger... alcohol drugs anything or anyone who will listen and we tend to forget that God was there the entire time with us when we were heading up to our problems. he was there in our pain he knows whats best for us. we just need to lisen...

just a thought...