only good times now...

so my favorite book in the whole wide world has this sentence...
Only good times now...

and i love this book so much because i seem to relate to alot of things the girl goes through... well more or less...

she goes through a series of foster homes and in the one she ends in last she ends up getting pearls, the couple tell her... only good times now...

though she does not end up staying with them... though things dont work out for her at the time ( and well through the entire book)
she ends up making it through ok...

and it makes me think... only good times now...
im so used to things going horribly wrong. especially if things seem to be going well for a time...
ive just moved into the most amazing house with the most amazing people in the world and though i know they will never do anything that little girl in me... the one so used to pain is telling me to get out... she is telling me to get away not to depend on this... that things will get worse... and i fear that this hard outer shell that i have calloused over me will fall off and when it does ill be back at square one.

again... ive only had good times with these most amazing people.
and yet...

yet im still on edge.

still fearing that ill turn the corner and my mother will be there. ( i know she will never read this) but i still think she is going to just walk into my work one day... and what will i be able to do?
still think that she is going to show up at my house and tell me i have to come back with her... though i know she doesnt want me... its not the point to her... the point is ... im happy here... for the most part at least. and she hates that.

i have this bet with my best friend in the world to grow our hair. i keep thinking my mother is going to just pop up and pull it... or ill wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over my bed with scissors... i know this sounds ridiculous but these are my everyday thoughts...

nothing seems to work out in my life... ( sorry im not really trying to go for the emo thing...) but i get so scared when things are going well because i think something far worse is going to happen... and now that im shedding this barrier i have done so well to create i believe i will fall harder than i have ever fallen...

and on top of all the normal problems i have... there is something deeper that haunts me. and i hate it. i fear that ill never get over that either. and so badly i want to forget it. just pretend it never happend cant it go away? all these horrible feelings cant they leave? i mean at least for a time? must i always feel this way? everywhere i go... i cant escape it... somedays i know im going to hear about it... i can just feel it. and somenights the nightmares are so bad that i feel i cant escape it no matter what i do... i live it everyday and in sleep too. cant i just crawl into bed and stay here. not to deal with the world? it expects so much of me. and sometimes i dont know if i can continue on or not.

you know whats worse?

i know im going to make it through. its so hard but im going to. because i have to be here for so many others... so they can make it through. but how can i tell them how to do it how can i say it will be ok someday youll get through if im having such a hard time doing it?

i really wish i could talk to someone about it... but i cant...
i wish i didnt hate myself so much too...