i need sleep but not that bad...

so its one thirty in the morning and i have to be up early for church tomorrow but well... i just cant sleep so what do i do? blog...
sometimes i fear these feelings will never go away. that this lingering depression will haunt me in the back of my mind forever. some days are good. some not so much. but this depression is always there. and not even depression. all sorts of feelings that i know i shouldnt be feeling. and i cant help but feel them. i mean i cant stop my brain from feeling this. or thinking these thoughts. the only thing i can do is try to get distracted by something else. push these thoughts away. but though i push them away for the time being they still arise. if not stronger. and they do it ive come to realize when i cant defend my mind from myself. in my sleep. its been good for a week. no nightmares. but when i close my eyes the images are still there. these demons. trying to get me. why are so many trying to get me? these dreams of death. and murder. even my happy dreams have a mention of death somewhere lingering like the bad taste of cotton in your mouth. always there. no matter how you quench your thirst it lingers. no matter how much i try to think happy thoughts or pray. ( not in that order...) it seems as if it gets worse. i had another nightmare the other night ( oh ok... i take it back i have had a nightmare this week) but i was so thankful for this nightmare. ( how odd does that sound?) side note... i am horribley ridiculously absoulutly TERRIFIED PETRIFIED MORTIFED scared of caterpillars. im not kidding... dont laugh at me... i dreamt that i was covered in caterpillars cockroaches and other bugs. crawling all over me. ( i also have this bad thing with having the feeling of insects crawling on my its a long story summed up it makes me feel crazy... whatever.) so number one there are caterpillars and number two i am having these bugs crawl on me. so naturally im freaking out. i woke up shaking couldnt breathe. smacking myself all over ( trying to get imaginary insects off of me) and realized how happy i was that i didnt die. one of the first dreams in a very long time with no death. ( just forget about how i couldnt breathe when i woke up lol not that important...) but still... its horrible. and again im at a lose for words at what to do in this dilema...
anyone? help?

alice in wonderland...

how can i make this work? ok here goes... i feel like being creative...
( By the way... im not entirely sure where this one is going so be patient you may learn something...)

so i love alice in wonderland. there are so many things that you can use to make it true to you. its not just a story. its your life...its mine.

poor sweet alice falls down the rabbit hole of life to which she ponders about her new found rabbit hole. we are born and thrown into this most curious hole of life.
we meet strange new charecters and discover strange new things and what is the point?
absoulutly nothing...

oh yes my dear friends that is right. NOTHING.
no point. this is all nonsence.
all life is... is nonsence.
queen red ( our reddish friend as we all percieve) as satan only wanting us dead. physically, spiritually? both? ( ive been having these horrible nightmares and it seems like satan is really trying to kill me)
tweedle dee and dumb. are those oh so frustrating ones we try to speak to and they just dont understand... But why dont they understand? because.
because we are to busy dealing with our own distractions with our cheshire cats. dealing with our own selves that these people are still babies. still unaware of the world around them.
lost in there own rabbit hole trying to find their way out.
we need to help them. and in helpind dee and dumb. we help ourselves.
our pool of tears. is just that. a pool of our own saddness.
life is overwhelming. its scary and hard. you will cry... im sorry did you not see that?

YOU WILL CRY!

its supposed to happen. use your pain to help you. again. helping others helps yourself. you had something bad happen. tell someone, you may be able to save yourself by saving them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

read that again...
you may save someone by saving you...

our rabbit holes are just what we percieve them to be. what we imagine them to be. what we want them to be.
leave one rabbit hole to go to another.

try not to make sence of life. theres to much saddness in the world. to much seriousness.
go tickle someone... right now...

stop whatever youre doint and tickle someone. if they ask why... just say because there is always time for nonsence. ( ha just dont tickle me...lol)
anyway.
so on a personal note...
im having a hard time dealing with one of my rabbit holes. as you read earlier...
im having very bad nightmares. i wake up constantly. always death and dying. even in what starts to be a good dream ends up in some way or form death. it seems sometimes everything i do revolves around the pure destruction of my demise.
be it suicide or murder. wherever i go its there haunting me. as some may know i suffer from depression. so the option of death on my part isnt so far off. as hard as i am trying im still here. its a tough battle. a battle fought soley in my mind. i go to work i think about death. i come home i think about death i drive i think about death. its inevitable. i try to think of different things to get my mind off of it. sometimes its just having to distract myself long enough not to do it. i also cut... though not in a while the feeling is still there. and though some days its just...ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in five min... ( five min later) ok ill cut in fiv min... and just pushing it off till i dont want to anymore. but it doesnt always help... and i feel so lost. im so lost in this rabbit hole. no one is here to save me. ((( and d i know youll read this im sure...))) i have moved to the most amazing place with the most amazing people. i have been here five months and five days. and still i feel as if im not worthy to be in such a wonderful place. like i should suffer so someone else can be happy. that i am not allowed to be happy. and though i try i find it difficult to be genuilly happy.
and as christmas is nearing i feel even more hopeless. even more depressed. i hate the fake cheer. how people pretend they care for you now just to get prepackaged gifts but when you need them... when you call them at three in the morning with a knife in your hand they are to busy dreaming about sunshine and cupcakes.

my friends. my fellow wanderers of internet who have happend to fall upon this blog for the sake of it being down a rabbit hole. i dont know you. im not sure if i can help you but call me. call me if you have a knife at three in the morning. i assure you i dream not of sunshine and cupcakes. i dream of death as you do. i dream of dying as you. i to know what its like to feel the dreams in which you are dying are the best you and i have ever had. i am there. i know what its like to be sad. to be lost in that deep dark rabbit hole as you...

i guess the moral of this blog would be...

does anyone need to help themselves?
anyone up for helping me???

sincerely yours...

another down a rabbit hole...


p.s. i do realize this blog is pretty much pointless i thank you anyway...

raindrops falling on a tin roof...

i love the song come away with me.
there is a line. it says i want to wake up to the rain falling on a tin roof.
i have always loved that line for some strange reason.
i dont get used to things easy. it takes me a long time to ajust to new surroundings. i was just getting used the the old house when i moved into the one im in now. and its an amazing house. however being its so new to me. its hard to get used to it. therefor i have a very hard time sleeping. ontop of the normal insomnia that i suffer from. that being said one of the only things that helps me sleep is the rain.
i posted a blog the other day about a book i love. the line in the book was Only good times now. sometimes its very hard for me to believe.
however, when i got to work my manager said that soon i will start my training to be a shift supervisor. you people dont understand. i LOVE working at starbucks. my dream from day one was to be a shift. ( so i can get experience and soon own my own coffee shop if not a starbucks.)
i was so excited i almost cried. anyway. then i got out of work a little eary due to the fact of almost going into overtime so sweet right?
then i was like man i wish i didnt have to go home. it means ill have to go to bed and i sometimes dread sleeping cause i know how hard it is for me to sleep ( lol hence me being so angry when i wake up...lol) anyway. i walk in my room turn on my computer and sit and hear...



raindrops falling on my tin roof.........


















God cares about the small things...

as i lay on my floor...

as i lay on my floor and my depression is hitting me big time im just wondering how im going to make it through this one...
day by day is all i can do
but what do you do when you just cant get up in the morning...

only good times now...

so my favorite book in the whole wide world has this sentence...
Only good times now...

and i love this book so much because i seem to relate to alot of things the girl goes through... well more or less...

she goes through a series of foster homes and in the one she ends in last she ends up getting pearls, the couple tell her... only good times now...

though she does not end up staying with them... though things dont work out for her at the time ( and well through the entire book)
she ends up making it through ok...

and it makes me think... only good times now...
im so used to things going horribly wrong. especially if things seem to be going well for a time...
ive just moved into the most amazing house with the most amazing people in the world and though i know they will never do anything that little girl in me... the one so used to pain is telling me to get out... she is telling me to get away not to depend on this... that things will get worse... and i fear that this hard outer shell that i have calloused over me will fall off and when it does ill be back at square one.

again... ive only had good times with these most amazing people.
and yet...

yet im still on edge.

still fearing that ill turn the corner and my mother will be there. ( i know she will never read this) but i still think she is going to just walk into my work one day... and what will i be able to do?
still think that she is going to show up at my house and tell me i have to come back with her... though i know she doesnt want me... its not the point to her... the point is ... im happy here... for the most part at least. and she hates that.

i have this bet with my best friend in the world to grow our hair. i keep thinking my mother is going to just pop up and pull it... or ill wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over my bed with scissors... i know this sounds ridiculous but these are my everyday thoughts...

nothing seems to work out in my life... ( sorry im not really trying to go for the emo thing...) but i get so scared when things are going well because i think something far worse is going to happen... and now that im shedding this barrier i have done so well to create i believe i will fall harder than i have ever fallen...

and on top of all the normal problems i have... there is something deeper that haunts me. and i hate it. i fear that ill never get over that either. and so badly i want to forget it. just pretend it never happend cant it go away? all these horrible feelings cant they leave? i mean at least for a time? must i always feel this way? everywhere i go... i cant escape it... somedays i know im going to hear about it... i can just feel it. and somenights the nightmares are so bad that i feel i cant escape it no matter what i do... i live it everyday and in sleep too. cant i just crawl into bed and stay here. not to deal with the world? it expects so much of me. and sometimes i dont know if i can continue on or not.

you know whats worse?

i know im going to make it through. its so hard but im going to. because i have to be here for so many others... so they can make it through. but how can i tell them how to do it how can i say it will be ok someday youll get through if im having such a hard time doing it?

i really wish i could talk to someone about it... but i cant...
i wish i didnt hate myself so much too...

safe and sound...

theres beauty in release...
so just let go and breathe
of all that will ever be








Maybe this is forever
Forever fades away
Like a rocket ascending into space
Could you not be sad
Could you not break down
After all I won't let go o

[CHORUS:]
Until you're safe and sound
Until you're safe and sound

There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please
But you and me o I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
If only you could hang on through the night
I don't want to be lonely
I don't want to be scared
All our friends are waiting there

[CHORUS]

Feel like I could've held on
Feel like I could've let go
Feel like I could've helped you
Feel like I could've changed you
Feel like I could've held you
Feel like I could've hurt you
Feel like I was a stranger
Feel like I was an angel
Feel like I was a hero
Feel like I was a zero
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I could have saved you
Feel like I should've heard you
Feel like I could have moved you
Feel like I could have changed you
Feel like I could have healed you
Feel like I should've told you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I could have loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I really loved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you
Feel like I could've saved you.


do you ever feel
sad?
blue?
alone?
hopeless?
do you feel as if someone should
hold you
change you?
heal you?
love you?
save you?

if beauty is release...
and to release is true beauty
if you hold on
are you ugly inside?
tortured?
broken?
will you ever be saved?
ever be loved?
if you cant love yourself
how will any one else love you?
what if you dont want to love?
what if you dont want to be loved?
what if all the times you are going to be loved...
ends up in failure?
and pain...
heartache
and tragedy?
how will you ever live with yourself?
dont they know?
will they ever know?
i dont think anyone will
im not sure anymore
if anyone will want to know
want to care
to take time out
and let you be



beautiful...

Released...

from all the pain you endure...
from others...

and mostly yourself



you are your own worst enemy




and what a better enemy than the one who knows you the best...




will i ever be safe and sound?

waiting...

i know its getting closer
i can feel it
war can only stay silent so long
i know its happening soon
i can sense it
peace wont last so long...
im not meant to be saved
by any mortal flesh at least
i feel as though im not meant to be happy
those feelings are deceased
i feel like anger is closing in
and pain will overwhelm me
im choking on the air i breathe
i feel just like im drowning...
waiting for someone to explode
im waiting on the edge
for someone to just push me
off my lingering ledge
my life is not a perfect one
i wont even say its good
i feel my words are futile
not like normal feelings should
sometimes i feel my only feelings
are of misery and pain
i know this isnt helpful
and nothing here i gain
my past is ever haunting me
overseeing all i do
people i meet and things i say
its sad i know but true...
so though this is still my life
i know the war will come
and when it does ill be right here
just see what ive become...

on the edge...

do you ever feel like youre on the edge?
but not sure of whats the edge?
like youre falling off something
but dont know how far?
always inching closer and closer...
till you just cant take it anymore?
do you jump?
hold on for dear life?
what do you do?
the world in which you live in
seems so far away
you feel like someones pushing you...
closer to the edge...
and when you get there
you get a final push...
just to have your shirt grabed the last second...
will they save you?
or just let you go?


who knows?

do you ever feel empty?
like its not really you...
do you ever feel hollow
a shell covering you?
like your life is always
an out of body event
like the body you own
isnt yours... you just rent
do you ever feel angry
just because its what you know?
do you ever feel bad
when you let your emotions show?
do you just apologize
to make them go away
you just say your sorry
and hope you obey?
do you ever feel chained
though nothings holding you back
do you truly want... the courage you lack?
are you doomed for eternity
in this hole of your own...
or just write this poetry
to hear your soul groan...

so i feel empty inside and im not sure what to do... and i feel as if there is nothing inside of me... its like im living a life thats not my own... im here to supervise and i over see the things going on... but this isnt really me. not really my body or my soul... its someone elses it has to be. i had such high hopes for myself... and this failure well its just not me... im not a failure i cant be right?
sometimes i just want to stay in bed all day... just leave me be...
im so broken... i feel broken... like im falling apart... inside and out... and i dont know if ill ever be fixed. i wish the things that are in my past would have never reminded me of the things ive never done... i wish they would stop harrassing me of the things i dont think ill ever be able to do... i wish the thoughts would go away... and just leave me be... i hate to be awake sometimes and now my slumber has gotten to this point again to which i am afraid to sleep... i dont know why i am ranting here... sorry

I love you war...

ok so here is how this war gets started...
grab an adorable small child... such as... annie...
dialogue...
annie guess what...
(annie) what?
I love you...
(annie) i love you more
I love you more than that...
(annie) well i love you more than that
I love you the most
(annie) well i love you the mostest more than that
well... i love you times two
(annie) i love you times two plus seven
WELL i love you time two plus seven times 12
(annie) i love you times two plus seven times 12 time... 900
wow... thats a big number... i love you times infinity
(annie) UGH i love you times infinity and beyond
wow... i love you times infinity and beyond times two... and a half
(annie) i love you to infinity and beyond beyond beyond beyond beyond... ( after a while it takes forever and i loose count on how many beyonds she has made it to...)

anyway this goes on for about oh i dont know 45 min... in which tym and matt decide to join in...
in which we are all saying that we love each other more than the last person...
it takes a long time and i dont really know who wins each round... but in the end everyone feels very much loved and there are new numbers we have never heard of...


moral of the story

love and hate are like wildfires
which one do you want to help burn faster?

if a person is burning and you say one cruel thing to them you can loose them forever. they will go up in smoke...
if someone is burning and you say one small i love you... im here for you... i need you as much as you need me... it can be enough to save their life... enough to make them want to live another day... enough to just make them smile...

its enough to change their view on life... on living... on happiness... on God...

God loved us so much he gave his only kid so that we can live through infinity and beyond...

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16


now thats love...

Dont mess with me... I make your coffee...

ok... so work is a little stressful sometimes and its partially due to some customers... but its ok... thats what im here for... to help you... in which is helping me...

For those of you who dont know i work at a place many need in order to survive...

STARBUCKS...

so... after many mishaps ive decided to post this to help you... lets begin...

PRONUNCIATIONS...

Frappuccino... frap-uh-chino
NOT frappe, fraperchiner, frozen thing, is that cold?

Latte... la-tay
NOT luh te

americano... a-mer-ih-cah-no
NOT ameriCINo

and last... MY FAVORITE

(sigh)

Macchiatto
yes i understand this may seem like a difficult word... thats fine... but really some of these are just ridiculous...

Macchiatto ... Ma-ke-ah-toe

NOT mariachhi, marachino, MACHETE OTTO ( i dont want to drink a weapon sorry) muh muh muh...

sigh... NEXT!!!

a little lesson on cappucinos
a cappucino is half foam...
NO your cup is not empty its light...and perfect... GOSH
A LATTE is heavy...
if you want that stuff at the gas station why are you wasting your time and money...
NO im not bashing gas station coffee...i like it... especially the vanilla one...
but no thats not what i serve here... i serve delectably roasted espresso with hints of carmel with lucious frothy foam... firm and perfect enough to balance a quarter on... ( and yes i can balance a quarter on my foam)
That is what i serve...

NEXT
Ways to please your barista...

Please for the love of all that is good in this world... dont say latte after mocha.. its just annoying... ( mocha latte... white mocha latte... NO)

if you order a black coffe...
dont complain later its to black... if you want cream...ill give you some thats what im here for :)

please speak up in the speaker... its very difficult to hear you especcially if there is blenders and a coffe grinder going on...

if its raining... (sigh)
if its raining PLEASE turn off your wipers... not only do i have to strain to hear you through our now soaked speaker but then while you are in the comfort of your car i am getting splashed in the face with your wiper water...

to you late comer at the end of the night please know what you want... if not... let me help you decide... i know my coffee... tell me three things hot or cold? sweet or strong? name flavors you like... here is a list...
i am good at my job... nine times out of ten i will get what you like...

to those we ask to wait in the drive through...if you do ... THANK YOU you save our lives...to those to yell out your order... sigh... you get decaf...
there probably is an irate customer in the front who hasnt gotten his caffine yet...

PLEASE GET OFF YOUR PHONE i dont want to hear about so-and-sos new bf... i just want to know how i can make your day a little more amazing by the joy of caffine...

sigh...
is anyone still reading this? ha good for you...

we are your baristas...you order a quad venti nonfat no whip no foam vanilla latte...
make us mad we give you decaf quad venti breve no whip ninja foam sugar free latte...
HA ( not me i just work here...lol but ive seen it done...)

so please...if you see us having a bad day... we are human just like you... we have bad days to just smile say thanks and we will be good... ( and tips help to!!! HAHAHA sorry had to throw it in there...) im kidding...


HA so thats all for now... all my barista ranting and raving...peace out yo...

haunted gas stations and ways home...

i have a slightly dysfunctional problem with directons... DaNella says i would get lost in a cardboard box...(which brings up another story) anyway i usually get lost getting somewhere... last night i went with a friend to a bible study. in which i ran out of gas... so i finally found a gas station my friend was like "Hey you got it from here?" Yeah sure i said... just go straight till i see the cvs...
anyway little did i know that gas station was a gas station from a horror movie...
spiders were crawling everywhere!!! it was almost abandoned... and i had this feeling like what the heck am i doing here? SO i called my Lee. ( poor lee he always gets a random phone call in the middle of the night about some crisis im having...)
"Lee" i say ... " im at a haunted gas station and just in case some guy with a chain saw comes out from behind the store i need you to be on the phone so you can know where i am to identify they body..." of course he oblidges...
so i brush away the spiders and webs to slide in my card. (thankfully they werent moths) and i carry on my way...
UNFORTUNATLY...
i had no idea where i was...
yeah
and lee of course cant help cause he is well... not it alabama...
so i start driving...
i pass what i assume now is the road i should have taken
trying to re calcutale my steps... backwards...

if i turned right at the invisible non invisible stop sign drove a longs ways, and left at the visible stop sign... turn right at the light went over the crazy bridge turned left into cvs...

but somehow ended up right at the invisible non invisible stop sign which ill now be turning left at go a long ways...backwards... no wait... visible stop sign is left... or right? i dont see a bridge?!?!!?

so i missed my turn...

and kept driving lee told me to turn around but i think i would get more lost...
so i kept going straight...

Maybe ill recognize something?!?!!?

lee just laughed at me knowing that i was totally and utterly lost...

somehow i ended up behind some plant...
in which lee is yelling turn around...
i was like come on how many plants are there in alabama? seriously...

lo and behold...



i came out at some discount gas station five min from my house...

oh yeah...
the complete oposite side of where i was supposed to be...

sooooo.....

moral of the story...
dont drive with me...



and though i may not know where the roads lead me to and i do not know how to get somewhere God is watching out for me and will make sure i get home ok...

hold

standing on this ledge
looking to the ground
i take in all the sights
im seeing all around
how did i ever get here
upon this edge so high
if i go any higher
im sure ill touch the sky
so here the question lies
do i jump? do i go back?
how far will i go this time?
how far am i loosing track?
the rocks crumble beneath my feet
my knees begin to shake
i am not sure of what to do
what decision i will make
but i need, i need a hand to hold
to get me through this one
the weight im feeling now
feels like a thousand tons
my body's inching closer
my spirit stays away
i dont know if i can make it
through just one more day
the wind is blowing through me
it seems so simple here
sometimes these things are beautiful
wiping away a tear
can any body hear me?
when im so far away
give me one good reason
on why i need to stay
i feel as if a tug of war
is going on in me
part of me to fall straight down
as i fall to my knees
i feel as though my hand is held
though no body is there
this fight is never ending
how much can i bear?
but do i continue on with life?
a true fight no body knows
or end it all right here right now...


all right...


here goes.......

cows go moo... baby cows go waaaaa... sams go WHAT?!?!?!

sooo... as i was driving to church yesterday i looked into a field where there were several baby cows... i was like awww how cute! when i noticed a fairly large cow... i was then thinking wow. thats a very large cow...

then it started to give birth...

no lie...


i was a little confused... and slightly shocked... just thought you should know...

Rapunzel is my cousin...

let me tell you about hair... my hair... some time ago my like BFF in the whole world... LEE!!! well we decided to make a bet to see who could go the longest without cutting our hair... little did we know that both of us are ridiculously stubborn... you people dont understand... this january we would have gone one year without cutting our hair... ONE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!



THEN...........








AND NOW

where i lay my head is home...

let me tell you about my family...
i have the most amazing family. They consist of amazing people. The best adoptive family LIKE EVER!!!
Lets start...
Q. just a letter... thats all he get his amazinness cannot be contained in a name so he gets a letter... ( Q is the main ninja in this house)
D or DaNella. (also known as DeJanae...) HA is the coolest mom in the history of moms... she is author pastors wife stay at home mom and student... D... you rock my socks...
MY SIBLINGS...
Matt --is annoying but so much fun to pick on... like wow... Matt dear you have met your match
Nana aka ANYA -- atway evera ouya oda ontda ookla upa etha eaningma ota anyaa LOL sorry anya is amazing she loves animals and they love her. She too rocks my socks...
Tym doesnt eat anything and is constantly in need of stealing the arm off of me...
Annie... a little princess with attitude... she is cute and sassy...she is my ROCK STAR!!!

that is my amazing family... thats all for now!!!

just so i can say...

just so i can say that i posted a blog i am posting this blog...
about posting blogs...

so here it is...
my blog..

about blogs...

amazing...